Skip to main content

Dear Aunt Patriotica: Is It a Crime to Undermine Law Enforcement If I’m Doing It Patriotically?

Dear Aunt Patriotica,

Please help. I’m a deeply devoted public servant — let’s just say my initials are PB, and I hold a little position called Attorney General. I’ve recently pardoned several upstanding American citizens who were very enthusiastic about their love for velvet ropes, broken windows, and lightly toppling democracy on January 6th.

Anyway, someone recently had the audacity to ask me if pardoning these folks — many of whom attacked Capitol Police, local D.C. officers, and even federal agents — might constitute a betrayal of law enforcement. I was shocked. I love law enforcement! I wear flag pins! I’ve shaken hands with at least two sheriffs!

I reminded the rude person that no one should interfere with federal police operations… except apparently me, because technically I just did. Now I’m spiraling.

Can I still be pro-police if I pardon people who beat them with flagpoles? Is “backing the blue” conditional if the blue gets in the way of my boss’s base? Please advise.

Patriotically Conflicted,
PB, AG (Absolutely Guiltless)

Dear PB,

Oh honey.

You’re not conflicted, you’re just a little ideologically congested. Take a deep breath — preferably one not clouded by tear gas from an “organic political expression event” like the one your pen pals attended on January 6th.

Let’s walk this through:

  • You say no one should interfere with federal police operations.

  • But you pardon people who interfered with federal police operations.

  • You love law enforcement — just not when they arrest your voter base.

  • You back the blue — unless the blue is testifying before Congress.

  • You support justice — just selectively, and only on alternate Thursdays.

It’s not a crime against police, PB. It’s performance art. It’s like saying “I love firefighters” while handing out flamethrowers at a forest preserve. The key is branding.

Next time someone calls you out, just say: “These pardons were restorative justice for patriotic dissent.” Then stare at them like they are the criminal.

Also, you may want to get a loyalty punch card — you’re just one pardon away from a free Mar-a-Lago buffet.

Flatteringly yours,
Aunt Patriotica
(Advice for the Faithful and the Flailing)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump Unveils Bold New Healthcare Vision: Trumpcare, Which Is Totally Different From Obamacare Except for the Parts That Are the Same

In a dazzling Rose Garden announcement complete with golden bunting, a fog machine, and a choir humming “Hail to the Chief” in a minor key, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the most spectacular, most terrific, most everybody-is-saying-so healthcare plan in American history.” He dubbed it Trumpcare™ —a revolutionary system in which the federal government will give money directly to people so that they can better afford their own healthcare. “Folks, it’s simple,” Trump proclaimed, flanked by several cardboard cutouts of himself in a lab coat. “Under Trumpcare, instead of the government being involved—terrible idea, horrible—we’re going to give people money so they can pay for their healthcare. Total freedom. The best freedom.” The audience applauded, though several appeared to be staffers who had been instructed to clap every time Trump paused to breathe. A Reporter Dares to Ask During the Q&A portion—limited to 30 seconds and only reporters who had pre-approved ...
Post a Comment
Read more