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Dear Aunt Patriotica: Is It a Crime to Undermine Law Enforcement If I’m Doing It Patriotically?

Dear Aunt Patriotica,

Please help. I’m a deeply devoted public servant — let’s just say my initials are PB, and I hold a little position called Attorney General. I’ve recently pardoned several upstanding American citizens who were very enthusiastic about their love for velvet ropes, broken windows, and lightly toppling democracy on January 6th.

Anyway, someone recently had the audacity to ask me if pardoning these folks — many of whom attacked Capitol Police, local D.C. officers, and even federal agents — might constitute a betrayal of law enforcement. I was shocked. I love law enforcement! I wear flag pins! I’ve shaken hands with at least two sheriffs!

I reminded the rude person that no one should interfere with federal police operations… except apparently me, because technically I just did. Now I’m spiraling.

Can I still be pro-police if I pardon people who beat them with flagpoles? Is “backing the blue” conditional if the blue gets in the way of my boss’s base? Please advise.

Patriotically Conflicted,
PB, AG (Absolutely Guiltless)

Dear PB,

Oh honey.

You’re not conflicted, you’re just a little ideologically congested. Take a deep breath — preferably one not clouded by tear gas from an “organic political expression event” like the one your pen pals attended on January 6th.

Let’s walk this through:

  • You say no one should interfere with federal police operations.

  • But you pardon people who interfered with federal police operations.

  • You love law enforcement — just not when they arrest your voter base.

  • You back the blue — unless the blue is testifying before Congress.

  • You support justice — just selectively, and only on alternate Thursdays.

It’s not a crime against police, PB. It’s performance art. It’s like saying “I love firefighters” while handing out flamethrowers at a forest preserve. The key is branding.

Next time someone calls you out, just say: “These pardons were restorative justice for patriotic dissent.” Then stare at them like they are the criminal.

Also, you may want to get a loyalty punch card — you’re just one pardon away from a free Mar-a-Lago buffet.

Flatteringly yours,
Aunt Patriotica
(Advice for the Faithful and the Flailing)

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