By the time the second round arrived, Dale had already slammed his palm on the bar twice, and the ketchup bottle was beginning to fear for its life. “Six to three,” he said, for the fourth time. “Six to three, Chuck. To let anybody born here be a citizen. You believe that? These are supposed to be the conservative judges.” “It’s judicial activism,” Chuck agreed gravely, nodding into his mug with the solemnity of a man who had recently learned the phrase “judicial activism.” “Roberts has gone soft. Probably reads The New York Times. Probably does yoga.” The ruling in question — Trump v. Barbara, handed down that Tuesday — had struck down the executive order attempting to end birthright citizenship, with the Chief Justice writing that children born on U.S. soil are citizens under the Fourteenth Amendment. Dale had not read the opinion. Dale had read a headline, felt a feeling, and driven straight to the tavern to have it professionally reinforced. “It’s just common sense,” Dale continued...
WASHINGTON, D.C.—After recently ordering an impromptu renovation of the National Mall’s Reflection Pool, President Donald Trump erupted in anger Monday when the water turned a murky shade of green, immediately demanding investigators determine “who made my beautiful pool disgusting.” Witnesses say the president stood silently for several moments, staring at the algae-filled water before recalling a lesson from elementary school art class. “Everybody knows blue plus yellow equals green,” Trump reportedly said, pointing at the pool. “The water was blue. Somebody added yellow. It’s basic science. Frankly, maybe too basic.” Within minutes, the White House announced the formation of a special task force to investigate what officials described as “an organized and highly coordinated act of aquatic vandalism.” “I’m hearing it was probably Democrats,” Trump said. “Maybe radical Democrats, maybe antifa, maybe both. But somebody peed in the pool. A lot of somebodys. Tremendous amounts.” The pres...