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THE GREAT AMERICAN REBATE-WAIT: TRUMP’S TRILLION-DOLLAR PIGGY BANK TURNS OUT TO BE A CERAMIC DECOY

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking 6-3 decision that has sent the price of MAGA-branded toaster ovens skyrocketing, the Supreme Court ruled today that the President cannot, in fact, use the International Emergency Economic Powers Act (IEEPA) to tax everything from French brie to Canadian drywall just because he’s having a "very bad day" with the trade deficit. The ruling, which Chief Justice John Roberts summarized as "The President can regulate commerce, but he can’t treat the U.S. Treasury like a personal Venmo account," has officially deflated the administration’s plan to make the country "so rich we’ll get bored of being rich." The Dividend Check: Now With 100% Less Money For months, the White House has been teasing the "Tariff Dividend Check," a promised $2,000 "thank you" note to every American family, funded entirely by the money we were "taking" from China (and definitely not from the American importers actually payin...

MAGA-Hygienics: Trump Vows to ‘Wipe America’s Behind’ with Massive Potomac Power-Wash

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Standing on the banks of the Potomac River while wearing a pair of custom, gold-leafed waders that cost more than the average municipal sewage budget, President Donald J. Trump announced his latest executive initiative: "Operation Sparkling Sphincter." The President, flanked by a phalanx of Secret Service agents holding high-pressure hoses and industrial-sized canisters of "Trump-Brand Extra-Strength Wet Wipes," declared that the nation’s capital has been "messy" for too long. "People come to D.C. and they say, 'Donald, it’s a swamp.' And it is. It’s a swamp, it’s a drain, it’s—frankly—the backside of the country," Trump told a crowd of supporters, many of whom were wearing rain ponchos in anticipation of the splashing. "And when you have a backside this dirty, you don’t just leave it. You wipe it. You wipe it hard. You wipe it until it shines like the lobby of one of my buildings." The Great American Bidet Th...

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...

BREAKING: President Trump Orders FBI to Re-Investigate 2020 Election, DOJ Announces “Historic Discovery” That Trump Won (Again, Somehow)

WASHINGTON — Declaring that “four years is more than enough time for the truth to finish loading,” President Donald Trump ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to launch a very serious, extremely fair, definitely not pre-decided investigation into the 2020 election. Within hours — a pace experts described as “faster than most pizza deliveries” — the United States Department of Justice released a 400-page report concluding that Trump had, in fact, won the election “by a landslide, maybe two landslides stacked on top of each other.” “We Followed the Evidence… Which Coincidentally All Pointed to Trump” At a press conference held directly in front of a large banner reading MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (ELECTION EDITION) , officials explained their investigative process. “We looked very carefully at the ballots, the machines, the vibes, and several Truth Social posts,” said one DOJ spokesperson. “After reviewing a folder labeled ‘Definitely Proof — Trust Me,’ we concluded Presid...

NOW HIRING: FEDERAL ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS (EMOTIONAL RESTRAINT OPTIONAL)

Do you enjoy authority more than accountability? Do you believe “public servant” means the public serves you ? Then boy do we have a career for you. At the Department of Extremely Serious Border Stuff™ we’re looking for bold, aggressive go-getters who thrive in chaos, hate nuance, and prefer problems solved with “presence” rather than paperwork. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE: • Showing up to peaceful situations with the energy of a medieval siege • Treating clipboards like optional accessories • Confusing “crowd control” with “personal stress relief” • Escalating minor encounters into national headlines • Practicing selective constitutional awareness • Using phrases like “for your safety” while everyone runs • Declaring everything a “lawful order” — especially when it isn’t PERKS & BENEFITS: ✅ Government-issued sunglasses for dramatic intimidation pauses ✅ Endless overtime during moments of national tension ✅ Immunity-flavored optimism ✅ The thrill of acting first and revi...

Just the Invaders

The conservative slammed his coffee mug down on the table so hard the foam sloshed out like a tiny border crisis. “I’m tired of the lies,” he said. “No one is talking about deporting everybody. Just the people who invaded the country.” The liberal blinked. “Invaded?” “Yes. Invaded. You know — crossed illegally. Flooded in. Overran the border. Like an army. But with tacos.” “Okay,” the liberal said slowly. “First of all, that’s already dehumanizing language. Second, it never stops with ‘just them.’ It’s already expanding to people with temporary visas. Then green cards. Now you’re floating denaturalization.” The conservative waved his hand. “That’s fake news panic. We’re only targeting criminals.” “You just said invaders.” “Well, yeah. Criminal invaders.” “Last week it was ‘illegal aliens.’ Before that it was ‘anchor babies.’ Now it’s ‘foreign threats.’ You see the pattern?” The conservative rolled his eyes so hard they almost required a passport. “Here we go. Let me guess — you’re abou...

Conservatives at Local Bar Nostalgically Recall the “Good Old Days” of Showing Up to Protests With Assault Rifles

KENOSHA, WI (MEMORY LANE) — A group of middle-aged conservatives gathered this weekend at a dimly lit sports bar to reminisce about what they lovingly referred to as “the summer of freedom,” when they drove across state lines armed with AR-15s, sidearms, and enough ammunition to invade a small nation — all in the name of “helping” during the 2020 protests. “Man, those were the days,” said Chuck, swirling his light beer like a fine wine. “Just us, our rifles, Facebook rumors, and the strong urge to cosplay Call of Duty in real life.” The table erupted in laughter as another man pulled up a photo on his phone of himself in tactical gear standing in front of a burned-out storefront. “Look at us,” he said proudly. “Didn’t even know who owned the business. But damn, we were protecting it.” “Remember Rittenhouse?” One Asks, Smiling Conversation soon drifted to their favorite nostalgic moment. “Remember when that kid Rittenhouse showed up?” said Dave, grinning. “Two protesters dead, one wound...

“If He Was Armed, He Deserved It”: The Latest Constitutional Remix Tour

MINNEAPOLIS — In what pundits are already calling The Ultimate Second Amendment Plot Twist , conservative leaders nationwide have unveiled a brand-new interpretation of the U.S. Constitution: “You keep your rights… right up until federal agents murder you for exercising them.” The shooting of Alex Pretti , a 37-year-old ICU nurse legally carrying a firearm and recording federal agents in Minneapolis, has sparked a rhetorical rebirth so stunning that even constitutional law textbooks are reportedly asking for hazard pay. **Hot New Conservative Legal Theory: “The Second Amendment Is Only About Surprise!”** In a series of spirited statements on TV and social media, a chorus of GOP officials and conservative commentators have argued that merely having a gun in public — even if holstered and legally allowed — instantly transforms an American citizen into a de facto anarchist , future outlaw , and probably a domestic terrorist in disguise . This logic is backed up by at least one federal ...

Iran, China, and Russia Warn U.S.: “If You Keep Beating Peaceful Protesters, Prepare for Hell on Earth”

World’s most authoritarian governments suddenly discover deep passion for civil liberties, demand America “do better, bro” UNITED NATIONS — In a stunning turn of global irony, Iran, China, and Russia jointly issued a stern warning to the United States this week, declaring that if federal forces continue using violence against peaceful protesters, America should “prepare for hell on earth.” The statement, delivered solemnly by diplomats standing in front of flags that have never met a protest they didn’t immediately arrest, was described as a “human rights wake-up call” and “definitely not projection.” “We are very concerned,” said a Russian spokesperson, adjusting a microphone that reportedly had been confiscated from a journalist earlier that morning. “When peaceful citizens are met with force, democracy is in danger. This behavior is unacceptable.” He paused briefly to check a text message, then added, “Also, please ignore what we’re doing in Moscow right now.” Authoritarian Nations ...