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Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
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BREAKING: President Trump Orders FBI to Re-Investigate 2020 Election, DOJ Announces “Historic Discovery” That Trump Won (Again, Somehow)

 WASHINGTON — Declaring that “four years is more than enough time for the truth to finish loading,” President Donald Trump ordered the Federal Bureau of Investigation to launch a very serious, extremely fair, definitely not pre-decided investigation into the 2020 election. Within hours — a pace experts described as “faster than most pizza deliveries” — the United States Department of Justice released a 400-page report concluding that Trump had, in fact, won the election “by a landslide, maybe two landslides stacked on top of each other.” “We Followed the Evidence… Which Coincidentally All Pointed to Trump” At a press conference held directly in front of a large banner reading MISSION ACCOMPLISHED (ELECTION EDITION) , officials explained their investigative process. “We looked very carefully at the ballots, the machines, the vibes, and several Truth Social posts,” said one DOJ spokesperson. “After reviewing a folder labeled ‘Definitely Proof — Trust Me,’ we concluded Presid...
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NOW HIRING: FEDERAL ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS (EMOTIONAL RESTRAINT OPTIONAL)

Do you enjoy authority more than accountability? Do you believe “public servant” means the public serves you ? Then boy do we have a career for you. At the Department of Extremely Serious Border Stuff™ we’re looking for bold, aggressive go-getters who thrive in chaos, hate nuance, and prefer problems solved with “presence” rather than paperwork. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES INCLUDE: • Showing up to peaceful situations with the energy of a medieval siege • Treating clipboards like optional accessories • Confusing “crowd control” with “personal stress relief” • Escalating minor encounters into national headlines • Practicing selective constitutional awareness • Using phrases like “for your safety” while everyone runs • Declaring everything a “lawful order” — especially when it isn’t PERKS & BENEFITS: ✅ Government-issued sunglasses for dramatic intimidation pauses ✅ Endless overtime during moments of national tension ✅ Immunity-flavored optimism ✅ The thrill of acting first and revi...
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Just the Invaders

The conservative slammed his coffee mug down on the table so hard the foam sloshed out like a tiny border crisis. “I’m tired of the lies,” he said. “No one is talking about deporting everybody. Just the people who invaded the country.” The liberal blinked. “Invaded?” “Yes. Invaded. You know — crossed illegally. Flooded in. Overran the border. Like an army. But with tacos.” “Okay,” the liberal said slowly. “First of all, that’s already dehumanizing language. Second, it never stops with ‘just them.’ It’s already expanding to people with temporary visas. Then green cards. Now you’re floating denaturalization.” The conservative waved his hand. “That’s fake news panic. We’re only targeting criminals.” “You just said invaders.” “Well, yeah. Criminal invaders.” “Last week it was ‘illegal aliens.’ Before that it was ‘anchor babies.’ Now it’s ‘foreign threats.’ You see the pattern?” The conservative rolled his eyes so hard they almost required a passport. “Here we go. Let me guess — you’re abou...
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Conservatives at Local Bar Nostalgically Recall the “Good Old Days” of Showing Up to Protests With Assault Rifles

KENOSHA, WI (MEMORY LANE) — A group of middle-aged conservatives gathered this weekend at a dimly lit sports bar to reminisce about what they lovingly referred to as “the summer of freedom,” when they drove across state lines armed with AR-15s, sidearms, and enough ammunition to invade a small nation — all in the name of “helping” during the 2020 protests. “Man, those were the days,” said Chuck, swirling his light beer like a fine wine. “Just us, our rifles, Facebook rumors, and the strong urge to cosplay Call of Duty in real life.” The table erupted in laughter as another man pulled up a photo on his phone of himself in tactical gear standing in front of a burned-out storefront. “Look at us,” he said proudly. “Didn’t even know who owned the business. But damn, we were protecting it.” “Remember Rittenhouse?” One Asks, Smiling Conversation soon drifted to their favorite nostalgic moment. “Remember when that kid Rittenhouse showed up?” said Dave, grinning. “Two protesters dead, one wound...
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“If He Was Armed, He Deserved It”: The Latest Constitutional Remix Tour

MINNEAPOLIS — In what pundits are already calling The Ultimate Second Amendment Plot Twist , conservative leaders nationwide have unveiled a brand-new interpretation of the U.S. Constitution: “You keep your rights… right up until federal agents murder you for exercising them.” The shooting of Alex Pretti , a 37-year-old ICU nurse legally carrying a firearm and recording federal agents in Minneapolis, has sparked a rhetorical rebirth so stunning that even constitutional law textbooks are reportedly asking for hazard pay. **Hot New Conservative Legal Theory: “The Second Amendment Is Only About Surprise!”** In a series of spirited statements on TV and social media, a chorus of GOP officials and conservative commentators have argued that merely having a gun in public — even if holstered and legally allowed — instantly transforms an American citizen into a de facto anarchist , future outlaw , and probably a domestic terrorist in disguise . This logic is backed up by at least one federal ...
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Iran, China, and Russia Warn U.S.: “If You Keep Beating Peaceful Protesters, Prepare for Hell on Earth”

World’s most authoritarian governments suddenly discover deep passion for civil liberties, demand America “do better, bro” UNITED NATIONS — In a stunning turn of global irony, Iran, China, and Russia jointly issued a stern warning to the United States this week, declaring that if federal forces continue using violence against peaceful protesters, America should “prepare for hell on earth.” The statement, delivered solemnly by diplomats standing in front of flags that have never met a protest they didn’t immediately arrest, was described as a “human rights wake-up call” and “definitely not projection.” “We are very concerned,” said a Russian spokesperson, adjusting a microphone that reportedly had been confiscated from a journalist earlier that morning. “When peaceful citizens are met with force, democracy is in danger. This behavior is unacceptable.” He paused briefly to check a text message, then added, “Also, please ignore what we’re doing in Moscow right now.” Authoritarian Nations ...
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January 6th, Reimagined: A Fairy Tale for the Ages

If history is written by the victors, then January 6th is now being rewritten by the very people who lost the election, lost the courts, lost the recounts, and somehow still insist they won. According to the latest Republican remix—executive produced by Donald J. Trump —January 6th was not an attack on democracy , but a spirited self-guided Capitol tour led by deeply patriotic sightseers who just happened to break windows, assault police officers , and chant about hanging the vice president. In this new cinematic universe, the rioters were “hostages,” the police were “ provocateurs ,” and Trump himself was a passive bystander heroically watching cable news while heroically doing absolutely nothing. Once upon a time (that time being January 6, 2021), Republicans were briefly horrified. They called it an “insurrection,” a “violent mob,” even—gasp—an attack on the Constitution . Some wept. Some condemned. A few even suggested consequences. But that phase passed quickly, like a New...
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Trump Orders ICE to Raid ABC News After Weather Segment “Warns” Northeast It’s About to Get ICY

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new expansion of federal law enforcement into the realm of basic vocabulary, President Donald Trump reportedly ordered Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) to storm the headquarters of ABC News after the network’s broadcast last night informed viewers that the Northeast was about to get “ICY.” According to multiple sources inside the administration, Trump immediately interpreted the warning as a covert signal that ICE raids were imminent , and concluded that ABC News was actively aiding suspects by providing “advance notice.” “THIS IS OBSTRUCTION,” Trump wrote in a late-night social media post, reportedly typed with one hand while the other pointed accusingly at the television. “ABC IS TELLING PEOPLE ICE IS COMING. VERY ILLEGAL. VERY UNFAIR. WEATHER IS A HOAX ANYWAY.” ABC News maintains it was simply reporting on an approaching winter storm, noting that roads, sidewalks, and general reality could become icy. But the White House remains unconvinced, arg...
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Trump Demands Control of Greenland for “National Security,” Unaware NATO Already Covers Entire Concept of Security

“We have to protect Greenland from… the alliance that is literally designed to protect Greenland,” President explains WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump renewed his interest this week in acquiring Greenland, declaring it “absolutely essential” to U.S. national security and warning that the United States may take it “by force” if necessary, citing urgent security concerns about a territory that is already safely nested inside the world’s most famous security blanket: NATO . At a press conference, Trump stood beside a map of the Arctic that appeared to have been printed from a weather app, pointing at Greenland with a Sharpie and saying, “We need it. It’s big. It’s ice. It’s strategic. Everyone wants ice now.” Trump emphasized the seriousness of the threat. “Greenland is vulnerable,” he warned. “It’s sitting there, just hanging out, unprotected, like a beautiful frozen cake. Very dangerous.” Reporters noted that Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark, a founding member of NAT...
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