WASHINGTON, D.C. — Standing on the banks of the Potomac River while wearing a pair of custom, gold-leafed waders that cost more than the average municipal sewage budget, President Donald J. Trump announced his latest executive initiative: "Operation Sparkling Sphincter." The President, flanked by a phalanx of Secret Service agents holding high-pressure hoses and industrial-sized canisters of "Trump-Brand Extra-Strength Wet Wipes," declared that the nation’s capital has been "messy" for too long. "People come to D.C. and they say, 'Donald, it’s a swamp.' And it is. It’s a swamp, it’s a drain, it’s—frankly—the backside of the country," Trump told a crowd of supporters, many of whom were wearing rain ponchos in anticipation of the splashing. "And when you have a backside this dirty, you don’t just leave it. You wipe it. You wipe it hard. You wipe it until it shines like the lobby of one of my buildings." The Great American Bidet Th...
WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...