In a bold stand for what organizers are calling “canine constitutional liberty,” a new nonprofit has been formed in Alabama with a singular mission: to liberate dogs from what it describes as the “tyranny of routine vaccination.”
The group, officially registered as Paws for Medical Freedom, is led by founder Billy Joe Bob, who announced the initiative while leaning against a pickup truck adorned with a bumper sticker that read, “Don’t Tread on Me (Unless You’re a Squirrel).”
“Looky here, you don’t see no goddamn dogs with rabies who are owned outright,” Billy Joe Bob explained at a press conference held between a Tractor Supply and a Waffle House. “There may be some dogs that are wild. You know, ferret dogs. These might give off some rabies. But not the ones that are owned outright by law. So why the hell should we have to bow our knee to Big Pharma?”
Supporters nodded gravely, some clutching leashes, others clutching printouts from websites that end in “.truth.”
According to the nonprofit’s mission statement, the organization seeks to “restore informed consent to Labradors, retrievers, and any hound capable of making eye contact.” The group insists that domesticated dogs have “natural immunity derived from good vibes, table scraps, and the Second Amendment.”
When asked about the long-standing public health rationale behind rabies vaccination requirements, Billy Joe Bob remained resolute.
“You ever seen a vaccinated dog recite the Constitution? No. But you ever seen one chase a mailman? Yes. That’s freedom,” he said. “This is America. My beagle ain’t a lab rat.”
Critics have pointed out that rabies vaccination laws were enacted to prevent fatal outbreaks in both animals and humans. But Paws for Medical Freedom counters that the real threat is “federal overreach creeping into the doghouse.”
One pamphlet distributed by the group features a cartoon golden retriever pushing over a giant syringe labeled “Government,” while a shadowy figure suspiciously resembling Joe Biden whispers, “Comply.”
“Biden people want your dog chipped, jabbed, and registered,” Billy Joe Bob warned. “Next thing you know, they’ll be teaching ‘critical fetch theory’ in obedience school.”
Local veterinarians have attempted to reassure pet owners that rabies vaccinations are safe, effective, and legally required. In response, the nonprofit has proposed an alternative health plan consisting of “positive thinking, garlic supplements, and letting the dog decide.”
The organization is currently fundraising to file what it calls a “class-action pawsuit” against the state’s vaccination mandates. Donors who contribute $50 receive a bumper sticker reading, “My Dog’s Immune System Is Between Him and the Lord.”
As the meeting wrapped up, a supporter asked what would happen if an unvaccinated dog actually contracted rabies.
Billy Joe Bob paused thoughtfully.
“Well,” he said, adjusting his cap, “then we’ll have a serious conversation about personal responsibility. All in all it’s clear that this would be perpetrated on the civilized owned dogs from the brutal, barbarian, invasion, dogs.”
At press time, the group was reportedly drafting legislation that would recognize “natural canine sovereignty” and declare all kennels “vaccine sanctuaries.”
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