WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking 6-3 decision that has sent the price of MAGA-branded toaster ovens skyrocketing, the Supreme Court ruled today that the President cannot, in fact, use the International Emergency Economic Powers Act (IEEPA) to tax everything from French brie to Canadian drywall just because he’s having a "very bad day" with the trade deficit.
The ruling, which Chief Justice John Roberts summarized as "The President can regulate commerce, but he can’t treat the U.S. Treasury like a personal Venmo account," has officially deflated the administration’s plan to make the country "so rich we’ll get bored of being rich."
The Dividend Check: Now With 100% Less Money
For months, the White House has been teasing the "Tariff Dividend Check," a promised $2,000 "thank you" note to every American family, funded entirely by the money we were "taking" from China (and definitely not from the American importers actually paying the bills).
However, with the Supreme Court striking down the "Liberation Day" tariffs as illegal, that dividend check is currently undergoing a slight "rebranding."
• The Original Promise: A $2,000 stimulus check delivered by a golden eagle.
• The Current Reality: A PDF of a coupon for 10% off a steak dinner at Mar-a-Lago (valid Tuesday-Wednesday only).
• The Problem: Economists note that since the tariffs were ruled illegal, the government might actually have to refund the $160 billion already collected to the corporations that paid them. This means the "dividend" isn’t just delayed; it’s currently being eaten by a group of very happy toy importers in Illinois.
Is the Country Now Poor?
Critics argue that losing the tariff revenue will leave the U.S. economy "bankrupt and shivering." The President agreed, calling the Justices "fools and lapdogs" who are clearly "in the pocket of Big Croissant."
However, mainstream economists—the people who use calculators instead of vibes—suggest that the sudden lack of 25% taxes on everything from car parts to coffee might actually result in a terrifying phenomenon known as "lower prices." > "It’s a disaster," one administration official whispered while hiding behind a giant foam finger. "Without the tariffs, how are we supposed to explain why a gallon of milk costs $9? We’ll have to blame the weather again, and it’s been suspiciously sunny lately."
What’s Next: The "150-Day Sprint"
Not one to let a little thing like the Constitution stop a good trade war, the President has already announced he will use Section 122 of the Trade Act to impose "Temporary-But-Very-Strong" tariffs for 150 days. This gives the administration five months to find another obscure 18th-century law that allows them to tax imported silk or anything that "looks suspiciously foreign."
In the meantime, if you’re still waiting for that $2,000 check, the Treasury Department suggests you check your mailbox for a commemorative "Tariff Hero" sticker. It’s not legal tender, but it’s very shiny.
Would you like me to draft a satirical "FAQ" from the Treasury Department explaining why your $2,000 check was replaced by a digital photo of a gold bar?
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