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​MAGA-Hygienics: Trump Vows to ‘Wipe America’s Behind’ with Massive Potomac Power-Wash

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Standing on the banks of the Potomac River while wearing a pair of custom, gold-leafed waders that cost more than the average municipal sewage budget, President Donald J. Trump announced his latest executive initiative: "Operation Sparkling Sphincter."

The President, flanked by a phalanx of Secret Service agents holding high-pressure hoses and industrial-sized canisters of "Trump-Brand Extra-Strength Wet Wipes," declared that the nation’s capital has been "messy" for too long.

"People come to D.C. and they say, 'Donald, it’s a swamp.' And it is. It’s a swamp, it’s a drain, it’s—frankly—the backside of the country," Trump told a crowd of supporters, many of whom were wearing rain ponchos in anticipation of the splashing. "And when you have a backside this dirty, you don’t just leave it. You wipe it. You wipe it hard. You wipe it until it shines like the lobby of one of my buildings."

The Great American Bidet

The initiative, which involves rerouting three percent of the national defense budget into "premium plumbing solutions," aims to turn the Potomac from a murky historical landmark into what Trump calls "The Great American Bidet."

"The Potomac is a disaster. It’s low-energy water. It’s nasty," Trump said, gesturing toward a floating tire. "Obama didn’t wipe it. Bush didn’t wipe it. They let the grime build up. It’s a disgrace. I’m the first President in history to look at the Potomac and say, 'America needs a fresh start.' We’re going to use the best sponges—the biggest, softest sponges you’ve ever seen. They’re being made in Ohio. Great sponges."

The plan involves a three-stage "hygiene protocol":

1. The Pre-Soak: Dumping 400,000 gallons of lavender-scented, gold-flecked detergent into the river to "soften the bureaucratic crust."

2. The Deep Scrub: A fleet of gold-plated jet skis, piloted by MAGA influencers, will crisscross the river with oversized loofahs.

3. The Final Polish: Buffing the riverbed with massive, rotating brushes until the water is clear enough to see the ghost of George Washington looking confused.

'The Fish Are Very Happy'

Critics have raised concerns about the environmental impact of dumping tons of industrial-strength bleach and "Trump Gold" glitter into a delicate ecosystem. However, the President dismissed these concerns as "Fake News from the Dirty Water Lobby."

"The fish love it," Trump insisted. "I spoke to the fish. The bass, the shad—they’ve never felt cleaner. They’re coming up to the surface and saying, 'Thank you, Mr. President, for the exfoliating treatment.' We’re also deporting the invasive species. The snakeheads? They’re gone. We’re sending them back to wherever they came from. Only beautiful, high-IQ American fish will be allowed in the New Potomac."

Rebranding the Rear

As part of the project, the Lincoln Memorial will reportedly be outfitted with a massive, automated hand holding a 50-foot roll of quilted tissue, symbolizing the nation’s commitment to cleanliness.

"Washington, D.C. is the seat of power," Trump concluded, "but let’s be honest, it’s also where the output happens. And from now on, that output is going to be handled with dignity, class, and a very, very expensive brand of quilted luxury. We’re making America’s bottom line clean again. It’s going to be a beautiful thing. Maybe the most beautiful wipe in the history of wipes."

At press time, the EPA was seen frantically trying to explain that "the river is not actually an intestinal tract," but they were quickly drowned out by the roar of a 5,000-horsepower industrial hair dryer intended to "fluff the wetlands."

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