“ICE Agents Wear Masks Out of Sheer Embarrassment, Not Fear, Sources Confirm”

By: Department of Homeland Humiliation Correspondent

In a stunning revelation that finally explains why Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents are rarely seen without balaclavas, ski masks, or oversized Oakleys, sources within the agency have confirmed: it’s not for safety. It’s because they’re mortified by what they do.

“We’re not afraid of being targeted by Antifa or crazed liberals with reusable tote bags,” said one anonymous ICE agent, adjusting his mask while nervously avoiding eye contact. “We’re just deeply ashamed of who we’ve become.”

Agents reportedly began masking up more consistently after the 2018 incident where one officer was recognized by his former high school civics teacher during a family separation raid. “He used to write essays about liberty and justice for all,” she recalled. “Now he’s zip-tying toddlers in Dora pajamas. It was hard for both of us.”

According to internal memos leaked by a remorseful ICE human resources employee, agents now receive official training in “Shame-Concealment Apparel.” The handbook includes tips like:

• “Tuck your badge beneath your tactical vest of repression.”

• “Avoid eye contact with children, clergy, and your own reflection.”

• “When in doubt, just tell people you're a Ghostbuster.”

Some agents have taken it further, wearing full ski masks in 90-degree heat. “People think it’s intimidation,” one masked ICE veteran whispered through a balaclava soaked in regret. “But honestly, I just don’t want my mom to see me on the news.”

ICE leadership, when reached for comment, insisted the mask policy is about “tactical anonymity.” However, one official slipped up, saying off the record, “Morale has been low ever since agents started waking up in cold sweats screaming, ‘I was just following orders!’”

In a recent internal survey titled “Do You Feel Good About What You Do?”, 87% of respondents answered, “Please don’t publish this.”

Psychologists have diagnosed a growing condition among agents called Post-Raid Shame Disorder (PRSD), characterized by compulsive mask-wearing, refusal to talk about work at barbecues, and avoiding mirrors. Treatment includes long walks in immigrant communities and reading the Statue of Liberty's poem aloud until tears flow freely.

In a hopeful sign, some ICE agents have reportedly begun removing their masks… to join protest marches against ICE.

When asked if the agency might eventually abandon operations that require agents to hide their faces in disgrace, one high-ranking official sighed and replied, “Maybe. But then what would we do with all this leftover camo and self-loathing?”

In unrelated news, the Department of Justice is launching a new recruitment campaign titled: “Serve Your Country… With Your Face Covered So No One Knows.”