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World War Kabuki: U.S., Iran, and Israel Stage Carefully Choreographed Conflict So Everyone Can Look Tough and Claim Victory

Trump Demands Nobel Peace Prize for “Masterminding Theater of the Century”

By Patriotica Truthington
April 1st, Every Year

In a stunning display of international stagecraft that would make Broadway blush, the United States, Iran, and Israel have reportedly wrapped up the world’s first fully scripted geopolitical conflict — complete with fake explosions, pre-agreed targets, and a post-strike press conference where everyone claimed to have "won."

Sources confirmed that before last weekend’s U.S. bombing raid on Iran, Washington quietly notified Tehran through a backchannel marked “Totally Not a War Plot.” Iran, in turn, graciously scheduled its retaliation for Tuesday morning after breakfast, promising a “symbolic but noisy” strike on U.S. and Israeli assets that were, quote, “entirely empty and mostly decorative.”

One senior Pentagon official, speaking on condition of choreographed anonymity, described the operation as “a highly coordinated episode of international theater.”

“The goal was simple,” the official said. “We blow up a couple of buildings, Iran fires a few missiles at an unoccupied airfield, and Israel grits its teeth. Then we all go on TV, flex a little, and call it a win.”

The pièce de résistance came when Iran and Israel agreed to a U.S.-brokered ceasefire just hours after the exchange. Both sides claimed "strategic dominance" and returned to their regularly scheduled hostilities with a renewed sense of chest-thumping pride.

The White House wasted no time declaring the operation a “historic success,” with Press Secretary Kayleigh Redux telling reporters:

“We obliterated Iran’s nuclear capabilities — metaphorically, of course. The rubble you see? That’s symbolic rubble. Very devastating symbolically.”

Meanwhile, Iranian state media aired triumphant footage of missiles launching into the sky, accompanied by a narrator insisting, “We have humiliated the Great Satan and the Slightly Lesser Satan. Victory is ours!”

President Donald Trump demanded the Nobel Peace Prize, posting on Truth Social:

“I’m the reason they’re all talking. I invented peace through strength through performance art. Call it Trumplomacy. Give me the Nobel, the Oscar, and maybe a Tony. Beautiful work all around.”

Observers around the world were left in a state of confused admiration. “It’s like they turned war into dinner theater,” said one international relations professor. “Nobody died, everybody claimed victory, and somehow, Trump is back in the conversation for a Nobel.”

Netflix is rumored to be in talks to adapt the entire affair into a limited series titled Missile Misses: The War That Wasn’t.

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