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BREAKING: Trump Sends Nuclear Submarines Toward Russia After Misunderstanding Medvedev’s “Nuclear Annihilation” Threat as a Literal Bomb, Not the Pee Tape Upload

Mar-a-Lago (and Definitely Not a Classified Documents Storage Facility) — In a move that has both alarmed the Pentagon and confused Kremlin analysts, President Donald J. Trump reportedly ordered the repositioning of U.S. nuclear submarines to “hover aggressively” near Russian waters following a “grave and nasty” threat from former Russian President Dmitry Medvedev.

The threat in question? A warning of “nuclear annihilation” aimed squarely at Trump.

Unbeknownst to Trump, however, the term “nuclear annihilation” was being used figuratively by Medvedev—referring not to an actual thermonuclear warhead, but to the imminent online leak of the infamous (and long-rumored) Moscow pee tape, starring Trump himself and two unconfirmed but highly hydrated Russian escorts.

“They said nuclear, so I said submarines,” Trump explains

“I know nuclear better than anyone,” Trump told Truth Social, his favorite platform for executive-level geopolitical strategy. “When they said they had nuclear on me, I said, ‘Send the subs!’ We’re not going to be intimidated by Russian golden showers or golden threats, okay?”

When reporters pointed out that “nuclear annihilation” might have been metaphorical, Trump replied:

“Fake metaphor. I’ve never been metaphorical in my life. Metaphors are for losers. This was real. I saw the word nuclear—I acted. That’s called leadership, not leaking-ship.”

Pentagon Officials Caught Off-Guard, Again

According to internal sources, military advisors were once again blindsided by Trump’s unilateral submarine maneuver.

One anonymous admiral confirmed:

“We tried to explain the difference between a literal war and an online leak, but he kept interrupting us with, ‘Don’t worry, I have a waterproof alibi.’”

Another Pentagon aide recalled Trump shouting, “They can’t drop a bombshell if we drop a torpedo first!”

Medvedev Responds via Telegram: “Relax, Donnie. It’s Just Digital Yellow Rain.”

Medvedev’s team clarified that the “nuclear annihilation” he promised referred to a “viral data weapon” poised to destroy Trump's already vaporized credibility.

“We’re not launching nukes,” Medvedev said in a smug video statement. “We’re launching Vimeo. With footage.”

Allies React With Confusion and... Popcorn

French President Emmanuel Macron was reportedly “bemused and exhausted,” while British Prime Minister Keir Starmer simply asked, “Does he even know what a metaphor is?”

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin, sipping tea shirtless by a Siberian fireplace, reportedly laughed for seven straight minutes before muttering, “He still doesn’t know it’s in 4K.”

Trump’s Final Word

“Even if this tape existed, which it doesn’t, and even if I was in it, which I wasn’t, and even if I got a little wet, which I didn’t, that would only prove I’m clean. Clean like a whistle. The cleanest whistle ever.”

Trump then promised to declassify the tape “immediately” — pending a favorable angle.

UPDATE: The USS Ronald Reagan has been rerouted after GPS logs revealed it had been circling Mar-a-Lago for 16 hours. When asked why, Trump reportedly said, “Just in case I need to evacuate quickly. You never know when the stream hits the fan.”

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