PORTLAND, OR
In a move hailed by supporters as “strong leadership” and by everyone else as “performance art with Humvees,” President Trump has once again deployed the National Guard to Portland, Oregon, citing “Antifa-fueled chaos.”
The only problem? Eyewitnesses, journalists, and the Portland Police Bureau all noted that the chaos in question doesn’t usually begin until the Proud Boys and Oath Keepers show up — often in matching polos, armed, and extremely ready to defend freedom from people with cardboard signs.
Operation Peace Through Tear Gas
Trump announced the deployment on Truth Social, writing:
“Antifa is burning Portland again! The National Guard is going in to restore LAW and ORDER. These are patriots doing a tremendous job, keeping everyone safe from the violent leftists (and maybe the violent rightists, but we don’t talk about that).”
Within hours, National Guard units rolled into downtown, where they found… a few college students holding “End Racism” posters, a guy playing acoustic guitar, and a corgi wearing a “Defund Hate” bandana.
By sunset, the streets were quiet — until the Proud Boys arrived in a caravan of lifted trucks blaring country music and misinformation podcasts. Within ten minutes, fists, flags, and pepper spray filled the air.
One guardsman was overheard saying, “So… do we stop the guys in tactical gear or the ones with the rainbow flags?” His commanding officer reportedly sighed and said, “Just wait until someone throws a water bottle. Then everyone’s a threat.”
Proud Boys Claim Victory, No One Sure What It Was
After the melee, Proud Boys leader Tiny Toese declared the day a “win for liberty,” though it remained unclear which liberty he meant.
Meanwhile, National Guard officials issued a carefully worded statement:
“The situation remains under control, in the sense that no one knows who’s in control.”
Oath Keepers Confused by Mission
Several Oath Keepers, appearing at the protest uninvited, told reporters they were there to “protect the First Amendment” — specifically, their own right to shout at people who disagree with them.
When asked whether they planned to coordinate with the National Guard, one replied, “We would, but we don’t recognize federal authority — except when it deploys to help us look legitimate.”
Local Reaction
Portland residents responded to the news with the collective energy of people who’ve been through this too many times already.
One café owner said, “Honestly, we just added ‘riot latte’ to the menu and kept serving cold brew. It’s Portland. Tear gas is basically our seasonal fragrance.”
Another resident quipped, “If Trump really wanted to end the violence, he’d send the Proud Boys and Antifa to a ropes course and make them talk about their feelings.”
White House Response
Asked whether he was aware that the violence primarily starts after right-wing groups arrive, Trump replied,
“Fake news. Everyone knows Antifa starts it. The Proud Boys were just defending themselves — very strongly, very powerfully. They’re doing an incredible job, like the Patriots at Valley Forge, only with more body armor and less historical context.”
The press pool then collectively wondered whether “Antifa” was just a term the former president used for anyone who reads books without pictures.
In the end, Portland remains resilient — and somewhat bemused — as federal troops, local police, and armed vigilantes keep showing up to “protect” a city that keeps politely asking them to go home.
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