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“If He Was Armed, He Deserved It”: The Latest Constitutional Remix Tour

MINNEAPOLIS — In what pundits are already calling The Ultimate Second Amendment Plot Twist, conservative leaders nationwide have unveiled a brand-new interpretation of the U.S. Constitution:

“You keep your rights… right up until federal agents murder you for exercising them.”

The shooting of Alex Pretti, a 37-year-old ICU nurse legally carrying a firearm and recording federal agents in Minneapolis, has sparked a rhetorical rebirth so stunning that even constitutional law textbooks are reportedly asking for hazard pay.

**Hot New Conservative Legal Theory:

“The Second Amendment Is Only About Surprise!”**

In a series of spirited statements on TV and social media, a chorus of GOP officials and conservative commentators have argued that merely having a gun in public — even if holstered and legally allowed — instantly transforms an American citizen into a de facto anarchist, future outlaw, and probably a domestic terrorist in disguise.
This logic is backed up by at least one federal official who declared that anyone approaching law enforcement with a firearm might be “legally justified” in being shot. That same official clarified he didn’t mean to actually endorse shooting licensed carriers… but also definitely did.

Meanwhile, Homeland Security spokespeople have respectfully suggested that real Americans only carry guns when they’re planning to overthrow government buildings, plot sieges, or start heavy-metal bands. Peaceful carrying? That’s “probably not covered,” they said.

**The New Official Conservative Defense:

“He Was Practicing the Right Way to Get Shot!”**

Conservatives have rolled out a multipart explanation for the shooting that includes all of the following:

  • If he had no gun, then why would federal agents shoot him? (Rhetorical flourish)

  • If he did have a gun, then obviously he must have been up to something shady. (Defense Manual Rule #2)

  • If video shows the gun never left his waistband until an agent removed it — well, that just proves he was a sleeper agent in deep constitutional disguise. (Cat-video analysis optional)

Even longtime gun rights advocates like the National Rifle Association admit they’re a bit taken aback by how quickly supporters of broken windows and federal crackdowns pivoted from “guns good” to “guns good only when used in government-approved parades.”

Bonus: The Presidential Constitutional Harmony Tour

Across the political spectrum, officials are busy harmonizing. The president spoke with the state’s governor, agreeing that the situation “cannot continue,” while both sides simultaneously insisted they had the constitutional high ground. 

Final Notes

Satire aside, this incident has ignited serious debate across America about the limits of constitutional rights, the proper use of force by federal agents, and whether carrying a legally owned firearm at a protest should land you a starring role in a provocative political essay. It’s the kind of constitutional conundrum that will keep lawyers’ billable hours high for decades.

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