Iran, China, and Russia Warn U.S.: “If You Keep Beating Peaceful Protesters, Prepare for Hell on Earth”

World’s most authoritarian governments suddenly discover deep passion for civil liberties, demand America “do better, bro”

UNITED NATIONS — In a stunning turn of global irony, Iran, China, and Russia jointly issued a stern warning to the United States this week, declaring that if federal forces continue using violence against peaceful protesters, America should “prepare for hell on earth.”

The statement, delivered solemnly by diplomats standing in front of flags that have never met a protest they didn’t immediately arrest, was described as a “human rights wake-up call” and “definitely not projection.”

“We are very concerned,” said a Russian spokesperson, adjusting a microphone that reportedly had been confiscated from a journalist earlier that morning. “When peaceful citizens are met with force, democracy is in danger. This behavior is unacceptable.”

He paused briefly to check a text message, then added, “Also, please ignore what we’re doing in Moscow right now.”

Authoritarian Nations Suddenly Become Hall Monitors of Freedom

The joint statement condemned the U.S. for “cracking down on dissent,” “silencing voices,” and “deploying militarized forces against civilians,” language experts described as “bold coming from three countries that treat protest like a contagious disease.”

China expressed particular outrage.

“We are deeply troubled by images of federal agents confronting demonstrators,” said a Chinese official. “In civilized societies, protesters should be handled swiftly, quietly, and never seen again.”

Iran followed up by calling violence against demonstrators “morally outrageous.”

“Our hearts break when we see people punished for speaking out,” an Iranian representative said, while security forces back home were reportedly chasing students for clapping too loudly.

Russia Adds: “We Know a Thing or Two About Crushing Dissent”

Russia’s contribution to the warning was especially stern.

“Using force to suppress peaceful protest is the mark of tyranny,” said the Kremlin spokesperson. “A free nation does not behave this way.”

He then reassured reporters that Russia remains committed to its own proven protest policy: immediate arrest, long prison sentences, and pretending nothing happened.

“It’s more efficient,” he explained.

Trump Administration Responds: “How Dare You Lecture Us While Doing the Exact Same Thing”

White House officials were reportedly stunned that the warning came from countries best known for:

• banning protests

• imprisoning dissidents

• controlling media

• disappearing critics

• and occasionally pretending elections happened

“This is rich,” said one senior U.S. official. “It’s like getting a lecture on healthy eating from a vending machine.”

President Trump, however, took a different approach.

“These are very bad countries,” he said. “Very violent. Very unfair. But also maybe they have a point. But mostly they’re jealous.”

Trump then blamed the protesters, the media, foreign agitators, windmills, and “probably Obama.”

The World Tries to Process the Irony

International observers described the moment as “a masterclass in hypocrisy” and “the geopolitical equivalent of a speeding ticket issued by a getaway driver.”

“It’s fascinating,” said one political scientist. “Three authoritarian governments that routinely jail people for holding blank signs are now demanding the U.S. respect civil liberties.”

Another expert added, “This is what happens when irony reaches escape velocity.”

Joint Threat: “Prepare for Hell on Earth (Which We Can Demonstrate Upon Request)”

The statement concluded with a chilling warning:

“If violence against peaceful protesters continues, the United States must prepare for hell on earth.”

When asked what exactly that meant, diplomats clarified:

“Sanctions. Condemnations. Strongly worded letters. Possibly a dramatic speech at the UN. The usual.”

Russia reportedly offered to provide “visual examples” of what hell on earth looks like, pointing vaguely to several of its neighbors.

China offered to help with surveillance technology.

Iran offered tear gas tips.

Human Rights Groups: “Everyone Here Is Missing the Point”

Human rights organizations responded by reminding the world that violence against peaceful protesters is wrong — regardless of who does it — but admitted the messengers were… complicated.

“It’s good that they’re condemning brutality,” said one advocate. “It’s just wild that it’s coming from governments whose idea of crowd control is ‘prison.’”

Final Thought: When the Hypocrites Start Calling You Out

Political analysts say the moment may represent a new low in international relations.

“When authoritarian regimes are scolding you for excessive force,” said one expert, “that’s like being told to calm down by a guy lighting matches in a fireworks factory.”

At press time, the three countries were reportedly preparing a follow-up statement criticizing the U.S. for press censorship, while simultaneously blocking half the internet.

Meanwhile, Trump was expected to respond with a tweet accusing the protesters of being “very violent,” the media of being “the real enemy,” and the warning of being “a hoax, but also very unfair.”

The United Nations confirmed it will host an emergency session titled:

“When Dictators Discover Human Rights: A Very Confusing Afternoon.”