Trump Demands Control of Greenland for “National Security,” Unaware NATO Already Covers Entire Concept of Security

“We have to protect Greenland from… the alliance that is literally designed to protect Greenland,” President explains

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump renewed his interest this week in acquiring Greenland, declaring it “absolutely essential” to U.S. national security and warning that the United States may take it “by force” if necessary, citing urgent security concerns about a territory that is already safely nested inside the world’s most famous security blanket: NATO.

At a press conference, Trump stood beside a map of the Arctic that appeared to have been printed from a weather app, pointing at Greenland with a Sharpie and saying, “We need it. It’s big. It’s ice. It’s strategic. Everyone wants ice now.”

Trump emphasized the seriousness of the threat.
“Greenland is vulnerable,” he warned. “It’s sitting there, just hanging out, unprotected, like a beautiful frozen cake. Very dangerous.”

Reporters noted that Greenland is part of the Kingdom of Denmark, a founding member of NATO, and is therefore protected under the NATO umbrella.

Trump responded by narrowing his eyes and saying, “Exactly. That’s why we need to invade it.”

“National Security” Threat: Greenland Being Secure Without Trump Owning It

Administration officials attempted to clarify the President’s reasoning, stating that Greenland’s current protection under NATO is “good,” but U.S. ownership would be “more good,” and that Trump believes national security is strongest when it is exclusive, branded, and ideally stamped with a gold TRUMP logo visible from space.

“Right now Greenland is protected,” Trump said. “But it’s not protected by me. That’s the difference. We need full control. National security doesn’t work unless it’s on my desk, like Diet Coke.”

When a reporter pointed out that NATO’s purpose is mutual defense — meaning Greenland is already “safe” and U.S. security is already reinforced by Greenland’s NATO status — Trump shook his head.

“You’re thinking too small,” he said. “NATO protects Greenland. But what if NATO attacks Greenland?”

At this point, several aides were seen quietly placing their faces in their hands.

White House Unveils New Security Philosophy: “If It’s Safe, It Should Be Mine”

To support the President’s argument, the White House released an official statement outlining a bold new doctrine known as Preemptive Friendship Aggression, in which America must occupy allies “before someone else allies them harder.”

“Denmark is our ally,” Trump said. “But we can’t take chances. Allies change. One day they’re allies, the next day they’re… still allies, but not enough.”

Officials explained that Trump believes Greenland poses an existential threat to the U.S. because it is:

• geographically large

• sparsely populated

• mostly covered in ice

• not currently owned by Donald Trump

“If Greenland remains outside U.S. control,” one official said, “it could fall into the wrong hands — for example, Danish hands. Again.”

NATO Officials Confused But Attempt to Remain Polite

Sources within NATO expressed confusion and fatigue, explaining that the entire point of the alliance is to prevent precisely this kind of thing.

“Article 5 is meant to defend member nations from external aggression,” said a NATO spokesperson. “Not from sudden real estate cravings.”

NATO officials reportedly held an emergency meeting to address what they called “an unusual scenario in which a member state threatens force against… the general concept of membership.”

One diplomat summarized the problem:

“Greenland is already secure. The U.S. is already secure. The only thing currently insecure is the President’s ability to own Greenland.”

Trump Proposes Peaceful Solution: Force

Trump insisted he prefers diplomacy.

“We’ll do it peacefully,” he promised. “But if Greenland says no, then we’ll do it the other peaceful way: force.”

Asked what “taking Greenland by force” would look like, Trump described a complex military plan involving:

• large boats

• strong men in parkas

• “the best icebreakers, tremendous icebreakers”

• and “a big flag”

The Pentagon clarified that it does not currently have a “Greenland invasion plan,” though insiders say several generals have begun quietly updating their résumés.

Experts Point Out Greenland Is Already “A De Facto Member of NATO,” Trump Says “Then It’s Basically Ours”

International relations scholars were quick to point out the glaring contradiction: Greenland’s security is already tightly connected to NATO, meaning the U.S. national security argument is, at best, redundant.

Trump welcomed this detail enthusiastically.

“So we agree,” he said. “If it’s already NATO, then it’s basically ours. That’s what NATO is, right? It’s like a timeshare.”

He then proposed renaming NATO to “TRUMPO,” because “it sounds stronger.”

Greenland Responds: “Absolutely Not,” Trump Calls Response “Very Rude”

Greenland officials responded with a short statement reminding everyone that Greenland is not for sale, does not want to be taken, and would like to continue being a place where people live without being threatened by allies.

Trump reacted swiftly.

“They were very disrespectful,” he said. “I offered them protection, and they said no. That’s like rejecting the mafia. Doesn’t happen.”

Trump then suggested Greenland should be grateful for the attention.

“Without us,” he said, “Greenland would just be… Greenland. No one would even know where it is.”

Greenland responded by reminding him that it has existed for roughly 4.5 billion years and is comfortable continuing to do so without Trump’s intervention.

Final Plan: Invade the Alliance to Save the Alliance

At the end of the press conference, Trump reiterated that the U.S. must seize Greenland to ensure national security — even though, by his own logic, Greenland is already secure because NATO exists, and the U.S. is a part of NATO.

When asked to reconcile this contradiction, Trump offered a final explanation:

“Look, NATO is good. But I want better. I want the best security. The highest security. The kind of security where we own the security.”

He then added:

“If Greenland is already safe, imagine how safe it’ll be when I take it.”

At press time, the White House had reportedly begun preparing a follow-up proposal to acquire Canada “for border security,” despite Canada already being… right next to the U.S. and, in many places, politely apologizing for it.