Washington, D.C. — In a bold move that has left scientists speechless (mostly due to facepalming-induced concussions), Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced his revolutionary plan to combat the bird flu crisis—not by stopping it, but by letting it "fester" until nature fixes itself.
"Folks, we need to stop meddling with nature," RFK Jr. said during an emergency press briefing, holding a chicken for dramatic effect. "You know what happens when we interfere? Big Pharma gets rich, and our eggs stay expensive. The real solution? Flock immunity."
What Is "Flock Immunity"?
According to Kennedy’s deeply researched and definitely-not-insane theory, bird flu can be eradicated naturally if farmers simply let the disease run wild through poultry populations, thereby ensuring that only the strongest, most flu-resistant chickens survive.
"This is how Mother Nature intended it," RFK Jr. insisted. "Weak birds? Gone. Strong, flu-resistant birds? They rebuild America. And guess what? Egg prices go back down. This is simple economics, folks. Do you want cheap eggs or not?"
Science in Shock, Poultry Industry in Panic
The scientific community was visibly horrified by the statement, with the CDC releasing an emergency memo titled “Oh God, No.”
"We cannot simply allow millions of birds to get infected and hope for the best," said Dr. Lisa Eggman, a poultry disease specialist. "That’s not how science works. That’s not how viruses work. That’s not how anything works."
Despite the backlash, the American Egg Industry has already begun restructuring to comply with Kennedy’s plan, rebranding sickly, dying poultry as “Freedom Chickens” and “Patriot Hens.”
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists on X (formerly Twitter) hailed Kennedy as a genius, with trending hashtags such as #FlockTheFlu and #EggsOverBigPharma.
The White House Responds
President Trump—who was reportedly caught off guard by Kennedy’s plan—gave it his reluctant support after Vivek Ramaswamy convinced him that natural selection “was kinda like capitalism.”
“Look, I’m not a scientist. But RFK Jr.?" Trump said, gesturing vaguely. "**I mean, he’s a Kennedy, right? Kennedys are usually smart. So, maybe we let the birds get sick. Maybe the strong ones survive. Maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. Who knows? But the eggs, folks—**they’ll be so cheap. The cheapest eggs. You’ll love it."
Vice President J.D. Vance also chimed in, calling the plan “a common-sense approach to natural farming.”
"This is just how America worked before Big Government got involved," Vance claimed. "Our ancestors didn’t have vaccines for chickens. They just let nature do its thing. And look how great that turned out!"
The Future of Flock Immunity
With Kennedy’s proposal now being fast-tracked by Trump’s administration, new USDA guidelines are expected to prohibit bird flu vaccines, shut down containment efforts, and encourage farms to “toughen up their poultry.”
In a late-night social media post, RFK Jr. doubled down:
"The chickens that survive will lay the strongest eggs America has ever seen. This is God’s work, not Pfizer’s. Wake up, sheeple. Or should I say, sheephens? 🐔🔥"
As of press time, Kennedy was reportedly working on his next groundbreaking health initiative: exposing humans to mild cases of polio so we can achieve "herd walking immunity."
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real-life events is purely coincidental—unless, of course, RFK Jr. actually suggests this, in which case… we told you so.
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