Republicans Denounce Water Bottles for Voters as “Hydration Bribery,” Musk Offers Millions for Voter Sign-Ups and Says “Totally Different, Obviously”

March 27, 2025 — Capitol Hill & Internet, USA

In yet another chapter of America’s proud tradition of hyperventilating over hydration, several Republican lawmakers are sounding the alarm over what they call a “coordinated bribery scheme” involving bottles of water being handed out to voters standing in line for hours.

According to these lawmakers, volunteers providing H2O to elderly, overheated, or generally human citizens waiting to cast ballots is not “basic decency,” but rather a nefarious plot by so-called Democratic operatives to manipulate the outcome of elections via liquid-based influence.

“It starts with a bottle of water,” said Rep. Clyde Wadsworth (R-TX), “and next thing you know, these voters are pledging allegiance to AOC and demanding universal pre-K and kale rations.”

Sen. Marjorie Flatbottom (R-GA) introduced emergency legislation titled the “Freedom from Fluids in Voting Act” (FFVA), banning the distribution of any beverage within 500 feet of a polling place.

“If you’re thirsty,” Flatbottom said, “you’re not committed to democracy.”

Meanwhile, Elon Musk Enters the Chat, Offers Millions for Voter Sign-Ups

Just hours after the “Watergate 2.0” controversy broke, billionaire CEO Elon Musk tweeted a new initiative from his X-CivicTechFund, announcing:

“Anyone who registers to vote through my new platform gets entered into a drawing for $5 million or a ride on a Mars simulator. This is voter engagement, not bribery. Very legal. Very epic.”

When pressed on how this differs from handing out a 25-cent bottle of Dasani, Musk replied:

“Water is for sheep. I’m incentivizing civic engagement with generational wealth. Big difference.”

He added a meme of a water bottle labeled “DEEP STATE JUICE” next to a golden Dogecoin captioned: “Choose wisely.”

GOP Clarifies: “It’s Only Bribery If the Liquid is Clear and Comes from a Democrat”

In a press conference outside a Cheesecake Factory, Republican leaders sought to clarify their position.

“There’s a fine line between noble tech-billionaire civic innovation,” said Sen. Josh Hawley, “and voter suppression-proof electrolyte schemes disguised as compassion.”

Sen. Ted Cruz added, “When Elon does it, it’s free enterprise. When a grandma with a cooler does it, it’s socialism with a twist of lime.”

Volunteers Confused, Voters Parched

Volunteers at polling places across the country expressed confusion at the backlash.

“I just handed a guy a bottle of water because he looked like he was about to faint after hour three,” said one woman in Atlanta. “He didn’t even say who he was voting for. I think he said, ‘Please tell my family I love them.’”

Voters, meanwhile, were left to fend for themselves in lines stretching into multiple zip codes. One voter in Phoenix passed out in line clutching a handwritten sign: “Will vote for Gatorade.”

Conclusion: Just Bring a Thermos, America

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: in modern U.S. elections, giving someone a drink could send you to jail—unless you’re a billionaire giving away millions for civic engagement.