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Trump Demands Universities Replace Ethnic and Women’s Studies with Trump and Musk Departments: “We Need More Bankruptcy Experts, Less Feminism”

March 23, 2025 – Washington, D.C.

In a move that left academia either weeping or trying not to laugh out loud, former President Donald J. Trump announced that he would totally eliminate federal funding for universities that refuse to eliminate “woke, useless” Ethnic Studies and Women’s Studies programs. In their place, Trump proposed the establishment of two new fields of study: Trump Studies and Musk Academic Programs.

Standing at a hastily erected golden podium in front of a backdrop that read “MAKE COLLEGE GREAT AGAIN,” Trump declared, “Our universities are failing. They’re filled with radical feminists and people who think history didn’t start with me. We’re gonna fix it. We’re going to have real education again—education that teaches you how to win, how to be rich, and how to avoid the IRS—legally or illegally. Mostly illegally.”

Trump Studies: The New Ivy League Gold Standard

Trump Studies, according to the 700-page executive order he typed on Truth Social (with help from an intern named Chad), would include rigorous coursework such as:

• Reality Acting 101: A class where students learn to blur the lines between television and government. Final project: stage a press conference announcing something that isn’t true, but say it so confidently that 40% of the country believes you.

• Creative Accounting: A hands-on lab in financial illusion, taught by disgraced CFOs and certified felons. Students will master the art of moving money faster than subpoenas can catch it.

• Sex with Porn Star Education: A mature content seminar focused on the “legal gray areas of hush money,” taught via non-disclosure agreements and dramatic reenactments. Field trip included (to a courtroom).

• IRS Evasion Strategies: Learn how to “forget” your taxes like a pro. (Prerequisite: White Collar Privilege 201)

• Bankruptcy 101: From casinos to steaks, students will analyze the fine art of failing upward. Final grade is based on how many businesses you can destroy while increasing your net worth.

Trump clarified: “No more reading about women being oppressed or immigrants doing hard things. We’re going to read my books. The Art of the Deal, The Art of the Comeback, and the very underrated Crippled America.”

The Musk Academic Initiative: Engineering for the Absolutely Unqualified

Alongside Trump Studies, universities will be required to install a Musk Academic Program, which will offer revolutionary (read: confusing and possibly illegal) courses such as:

• Engineering for Non-Engineers: In which students build rockets using nothing but wishful thinking, Reddit threads, and PowerPoint. Students who ask too many technical questions will be sent to “X” (formerly detention).

• Proper Salutes and Twitter Management: A hybrid etiquette/branding course where students learn to salute like a fascist tech bro while tweeting things that tank stock prices. Taught via Neuralink… maybe.

Musk, when reached for comment via carrier drone, said, “This is a bold and necessary evolution of higher education. Anyone can be an engineer. I built a tunnel. It was kind of a tunnel. Well, it was more of a tube. But it was shiny.”

Academic Response: Somewhere Between Screaming and Drinking

Professors across the country responded with confusion, horror, and impromptu sabbaticals.

“I spent 15 years researching the intersection of gender, race, and public policy,” said Dr. Elaine Ramirez, chair of the now-defunded Women’s and Ethnic Studies Department at UC Berkeley. “Now my office has been turned into a simulation lab for bankruptcy scenarios involving fake hotels.”

Meanwhile, Liberty University and Trump University (now rebranded as “Truth U”) have already adopted the new curriculum, with enthusiastic enrollment in Porn Star Education, which is reportedly already “overbooked.”

A New Era of American Academia

In closing, Trump declared: “The universities will no longer be centers of woke brainwashing. They’ll be centers of WINNING. Bigly winning. With buildings named after me and Elon. We’ll have the Trump School of Tax Avoidance and the Musk Institute for Firing People on Livestream. It’s going to be tremendous.”

He then threw rolls of MAGA-branded paper towels into the crowd.

Classes begin this fall. Bring your NDA.

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