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Trump Buys Cybertruck, Immediately Regrets It Upon Realizing It’s "Too Green and Not Enough Mean"

March 30, 2025 — Palm Beach, FL

In an impulsive moment of “tremendous masculine energy,” President Donald J. Trump proudly unveiled his brand-new Tesla Cybertruck outside Mar-a-Lago—only to renounce the purchase minutes later upon remembering that it was electric, environmentally friendly, and made by someone who occasionally tells the truth.

“Look at this beast,” Trump declared, standing next to the stainless steel triangle on wheels. “It’s strong, it’s shiny, it looks like a tank from the future. Just tremendous. Perfect for me.”

Reporters noted that he had no idea how to open the door and resorted to slapping it repeatedly while muttering “open sesame” before an aide quietly activated it with an app.

The Realization Hits

Approximately 14 minutes into what was supposed to be a celebratory test drive around the Mar-a-Lago golf course, Trump came to a horrifying revelation:

“Wait a minute... this doesn’t use gas? No beautiful, clean oil? No American diesel? It runs on... battery juice?”

Upon being told that the Cybertruck was fully electric, Trump’s face reportedly turned a shade of orange not previously found on the color spectrum.

“This is woke transportation!” he barked. “What am I, Greta Van Susteren? I mean—Greta Van Thornberry? You know, the Swedish child. The one who yells.”

Immediate Disavowal

Trump quickly distanced himself from the purchase.

“This truck is a fraud. A green scam. I thought it was a regular, freedom-powered truck. Not this socialist, battery-powered, self-driving liberal toaster oven.”

He added:

“I only bought it because Elon told me it was bulletproof and would get more likes than the Pope. But now I find out it’s basically a Prius that swallowed a doorstop.”

The Cybertruck, still parked awkwardly on the Mar-a-Lago lawn, was later covered in a tarp labeled “DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH — NOT MINE.”

Elon Musk Responds

Tesla CEO Elon Musk responded to Trump’s reversal with his usual blend of confusion and condescension, tweeting:

“Trump just realized the Cybertruck is electric. That’s like ordering sushi and then asking where they keep the grill.”

He then announced a new Cybertruck variant just for Trump:

The MAGA Model, powered by “raw American ego and coal dust.”

Trump Offers Trade-In

Not to be outdone, Trump has since offered to trade in the Cybertruck for a “real truck,” stating:

“I want a gas-powered, bald-eagle certified, chrome-plated, coal-smokin’, Second Amendment haulin’, manly MAN truck. One that runs on beef jerky and freedom, not spark plugs from China.”

He added that he’s working on a competing vehicle called the “FreedomF-1500”, which will:

  • Run exclusively on barbecue sauce and Fox News talking points

  • Feature gold hubcaps and a truck bed shaped like Texas

  • Include a horn that yells “WRONG!” at passing Priuses

Final Thought: The Truck Stops Here

As the dust settles, it appears Trump’s brief flirtation with electric vehicles has ended as abruptly as it began—another casualty in the ongoing war between branding and basic understanding.

“I don’t drive,” Trump later clarified. “I ride. In limos. On golf carts. This truck? It’s for losers. And environmentalists. Same thing.”

Next week: Trump buys a solar-powered boat, then demands to know where the gas goes.

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