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DSM-5 DIAGNOSTIC EVALUATION of DONALD J. TRUMP

Patient: Donald J. Trump
Location of Evaluation: Mar-a-Lago Presidential Library & Buffet
Clinician: Dr. Ima Quack, Psy.D., Board-Certified in Diagnosing Rich Men with Poor Insight
Reference Text: DSM-5

Diagnosis:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), Deluxe Subtype – “Very Stable Genius Variant”

Diagnostic Code (Satirical Supplement): 301.81-BIGLY

DSM-5 Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder

A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

(Trump exhibits 12, breaking the scale. Diagnosis confirmed. Let’s proceed anyway.)

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

  • Claims to be the “most presidential president” other than Lincoln (who, frankly, is on very thin ice).

  • Believes he could declassify documents with his mind.

  • Once said: “I alone can fix it,” then broke it more.

✅ Criterion met. With gold stars.

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

  • Fantasizes about military parades longer than War and Peace.

  • Believes Kim Jong-un writes him love letters.

  • Still convinced Time Magazine named him Person of the Century. (They didn’t.)

✅ Criterion met. Patient has recurring delusions of “perfect phone calls.”

3. Believes that they are “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people.

  • Regularly associates with billionaires, autocrats, and mid-tier reality TV hosts.

  • Thinks only he can understand America, the Constitution, and Melania’s accent.

✅ Criterion met. Claims the ghost of Reagan visits him for advice.

4. Requires excessive admiration.

  • Holds rallies to hear crowds chant his name like a revival preacher with a spray tan.

  • Complains when applause is too short, too soft, or not in rhythm.

  • Created a fake Time Magazine cover with his own face.

✅ Criterion met. Weekly retweets of praise from anonymous “Truckers for Trump” accounts.

5. Has a sense of entitlement.

  • Demands loyalty pledges from subordinates, Supreme Court justices, and soup.

  • Believes he should be immune from prosecution because “it’s very unfair.”

  • Tried to trademark the phrase “Truth.”

✅ Criterion met. Also tried to declare Election Day a personal holiday.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative.

  • Throws allies under the bus so often Greyhound sent him a plaque.

  • Uses cabinet members like PokĂ©mon — collect them, fire them, rehire them as advisors.

  • Invited Rudy Giuliani to events just to look more sane by comparison.

✅ Criterion met. With bonus points for exploiting donors to pay legal bills.

7. Lacks empathy.

  • Impressed by hurricane maps he drew on with Sharpie.

  • Downplayed a pandemic while secretly hoarding hydroxychloroquine.

  • Considers poverty an unfortunate side effect of not being born rich.

✅ Criterion met. Patient once claimed he could relate to the working class because he “worked hard to get a small loan of a million dollars.”

8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them.

  • Believes Obama has a secret deep state spy bunker.

  • Accuses media of being jealous of his ratings.

  • Frequently claims other world leaders “wish they were him.”

✅ Criterion met. Possibly also confused envy with prosecution.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.

  • Insists he’s the best at everything: better than doctors, generals, scientists, and probably God.

  • Walks into rooms like he’s entering the Roman Senate with divine authority.

  • Refers to himself in third person: “Trump knows more than the experts.”

✅ Criterion met. Considered adding "Very Stable Genius" to legal name.

Clinical Summary:

The patient exhibits Narcissistic Personality Disorder with extreme overcompensation, delusional self-regard, and a compulsive need for attention that exceeds even the legal limits of Twitter/X. Behavior appears resistant to feedback, fact-checking, and federal indictments.

Prognosis:

Guarded. Prognosis worsens if mirrors, rally crowds, or Fox News segments are unavailable. Likely to worsen if subjected to reality, consequences, or humility.

Recommended Treatment:

  • Reality therapy (good luck).

  • Empathy training with kindergarteners.

  • Intensive exposure to books not ghostwritten for him.

Note: Patient refused therapy unless the couch was gold and the therapist was legally required to laugh at his jokes.

🧠 Diagnosis confirmed.
🧾 Bill sent to campaign PAC.

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