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Repeal Birthright Citizenship? Great! Trump’s Kids Might Need to Pack Their Bags

“We must end birthright citizenship — except for my family, obviously,” says man whose children were all born on U.S. soil to immigrant mothers.

Palm Beach, FL — In his latest crusade to protect America from the terrifying threat of newborn babies with hospital bracelets, former President Donald Trump has once again called for the repeal of birthright citizenship, arguing it was “never meant to apply to random babies born here — only to the right babies, like mine.”

But constitutional scholars and late-night comedians quickly pointed out the obvious: if birthright citizenship is repealed retroactively, several of Trump's children — namely those born to immigrant mothers on American soil — could be eligible for deportation under the very policy he now champions.

“It’s simple: if you’re born here, but your mom wasn’t a real American, you gotta go,” said Trump at a rally.

He was later reminded that Melania Trump became a U.S. citizen after giving birth to Barron Trump, prompting a rare moment of silence from the former president. “Well,” he mumbled, “Barron’s tall. Very tall. Maybe we keep him. But Ivanka? Let me get back to you.”

The Hypothetical Deportation List Includes:

  • Barron Trump – Born in 2006 to Melania, who was a permanent resident but not yet a citizen.

  • Donald Jr., Ivanka, and Eric – All born to Ivana Trump, an immigrant from what was then Czechoslovakia, who gained citizenship later.

  • Tiffany Trump – Possibly safe, but experts say “it’s unclear if anyone in the family remembers where she was born.”

Meanwhile, right-wing lawmakers are in a bind. Senator Rick Patriot (R-Suspension of Reality) issued a statement: “Of course we support the end of birthright citizenship — just not for presidential offspring, heirs to real estate empires, or anyone named in a trust fund.”

Legal experts agree that retroactively repealing birthright citizenship would be logistically and legally impossible, but Trump campaign staff were reportedly seen Googling “how to preemptively exclude yourself from laws you create.”

Asked whether he'd be willing to self-deport his own children to uphold his constitutional vision, Trump replied: “Look, if we have to send them somewhere — maybe they can help build Trump Tower: Greenland. Great location. Very white snow. Tremendous real estate.”

In related news, the Trump Organization is rumored to be launching a new business venture: “Citizenship by Negotiation™”, a loyalty-based immigration program where citizenship is granted based on how many times you've complimented Trump's golf swing.

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