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Teddy Roosevelt Spinning in Grave as Trump Plans Birthday Military Parade in D.C. “Talk softly and carry a big stick,” Roosevelt grumbles. “Not scream on Truth Social and roll tanks past the Cheesecake Factory.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports from the netherworld confirm that the spirit of President Theodore Roosevelt has officially spun 360 degrees in his grave upon learning that Donald Trump is planning a full-scale military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue on June 14 — his birthday.

According to ghostly sources close to the 26th president, Roosevelt became “visibly spectral” when informed the parade would include tanks, fighter jets, a 21-MAGA-hat salute, and a live DJ set by Kid Rock.

“I said talk softly and carry a big stick,” Roosevelt was overheard muttering from the beyond. “I did not mean shout on cable news and roll a ballistic missile past the Lincoln Memorial to prove your ego isn’t as fragile as your hairline.”

The former Rough Rider and Nobel Peace Prize winner was reportedly appalled that Trump would use the military to celebrate not a national victory, but his own birthday, which he has now branded “America’s Real Independence Day.”

Sources inside the Trump campaign confirm the parade will feature:

  • A flyover spelling out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DON” in chemtrails

  • A float depicting Trump riding a bald eagle bare-chested (despite surgeon general warnings)

  • And a special performance by the Space Force Marching Band, which doesn’t technically exist, but “will now.”

At a press event outside Trump Tower, the former president explained his reasoning:

“Teddy had his national parks. I have national sparks. Fireworks, tanks, flags bigger than some states. I’m the most militarily respected president since George Washington, who, by the way, would have loved me.”

Roosevelt, meanwhile, is said to be in “full existential distress,” especially after hearing Trump’s parade budget will come from reallocating funds originally meant for veterans’ healthcare and library books.

“Is this what we’ve come to?” Roosevelt reportedly howled from the astral plane. “A man who dodged the draft five times now playing G.I. Joe with taxpayer money? At least when I wore a uniform, it was to fight a war — not to cosplay as a savior of democracy while eroding it in real time.”

In a final ghostly statement, Roosevelt added:

“This isn’t a parade. It’s a tantrum with marching orders.”

As June 14 approaches, spiritual mediums across the country are advising visitors to National Parks to listen carefully for mysterious groaning sounds emanating from beneath the Earth — it may just be Teddy trying to claw his way out for one last cavalry charge.

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