Skip to main content

Teddy Roosevelt Spinning in Grave as Trump Plans Birthday Military Parade in D.C. “Talk softly and carry a big stick,” Roosevelt grumbles. “Not scream on Truth Social and roll tanks past the Cheesecake Factory.”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reports from the netherworld confirm that the spirit of President Theodore Roosevelt has officially spun 360 degrees in his grave upon learning that Donald Trump is planning a full-scale military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue on June 14 — his birthday.

According to ghostly sources close to the 26th president, Roosevelt became “visibly spectral” when informed the parade would include tanks, fighter jets, a 21-MAGA-hat salute, and a live DJ set by Kid Rock.

“I said talk softly and carry a big stick,” Roosevelt was overheard muttering from the beyond. “I did not mean shout on cable news and roll a ballistic missile past the Lincoln Memorial to prove your ego isn’t as fragile as your hairline.”

The former Rough Rider and Nobel Peace Prize winner was reportedly appalled that Trump would use the military to celebrate not a national victory, but his own birthday, which he has now branded “America’s Real Independence Day.”

Sources inside the Trump campaign confirm the parade will feature:

  • A flyover spelling out “HAPPY BIRTHDAY DON” in chemtrails

  • A float depicting Trump riding a bald eagle bare-chested (despite surgeon general warnings)

  • And a special performance by the Space Force Marching Band, which doesn’t technically exist, but “will now.”

At a press event outside Trump Tower, the former president explained his reasoning:

“Teddy had his national parks. I have national sparks. Fireworks, tanks, flags bigger than some states. I’m the most militarily respected president since George Washington, who, by the way, would have loved me.”

Roosevelt, meanwhile, is said to be in “full existential distress,” especially after hearing Trump’s parade budget will come from reallocating funds originally meant for veterans’ healthcare and library books.

“Is this what we’ve come to?” Roosevelt reportedly howled from the astral plane. “A man who dodged the draft five times now playing G.I. Joe with taxpayer money? At least when I wore a uniform, it was to fight a war — not to cosplay as a savior of democracy while eroding it in real time.”

In a final ghostly statement, Roosevelt added:

“This isn’t a parade. It’s a tantrum with marching orders.”

As June 14 approaches, spiritual mediums across the country are advising visitors to National Parks to listen carefully for mysterious groaning sounds emanating from beneath the Earth — it may just be Teddy trying to claw his way out for one last cavalry charge.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more