By: The Department of Selective Outrage
In a miraculous feat of journalistic sleight-of-hand, violence against Muslims in the United States has once again managed to vanish into the mist—unnoticed, unreported, and apparently unimportant. It’s not that the hate crimes aren’t happening. It’s just that America, with its finely tuned radar for selective empathy, simply prefers to keep one eye open and one tightly shut.
Last week, an elderly Muslim man was assaulted outside a mosque in broad daylight. There were no breaking news alerts, no think pieces in major outlets, no emergency summits on religious tolerance. The local police did, however, release a statement reassuring the public that the incident was “likely not hate-related,” despite the attacker reportedly screaming, “Go back to your terrorist cave!”
Meanwhile, 1,200 miles away, someone scribbled a swastika on a synagogue’s bathroom stall—and rightfully so, the country erupted in outrage. The president issued a statement, major news networks broke into regular programming, and several celebrities posted black square emojis in solidarity. America remembered how to feel feelings.
“It’s not that we don’t care about Muslims,” explained a media editor from a major cable news outlet. “It’s just that Muslim suffering doesn’t trend as well.”
The FBI, when asked about the discrepancy, nodded solemnly. “We do track anti-Muslim hate crimes,” said one agent. “We just keep the data locked in a filing cabinet behind the pizza boxes. For national security.”
Muslim advocacy groups have tried to raise awareness, but unfortunately, their requests are usually intercepted by spam filters trained to flag words like “Palestine,” “occupation,” or “stop killing us.”
Scholars say the problem goes deeper than media coverage. Dr. Sayeda Malik, a sociologist studying religious bias, noted, “There’s a hierarchy of victimhood in this country. Some groups get candlelight vigils; others get TSA pat-downs.”
When asked for comment, an elected official said, “Look, we condemn all hate—equally, generically, and without any specificity that might alienate donors or provoke headlines. Also, vote for me.”
Meanwhile, Muslim Americans continue to quietly endure threats, vandalism, and physical assaults—often without even the dignity of being believed, let alone broadcast.
The Department of Homeland Irony recently issued a new alert: “If you experience a hate crime while Muslim, please ensure that it is caught on five angles of HD video, endorsed by a bipartisan senator, and posted by a non-Muslim ally, or it may not meet our threshold for reality.”
In related news, American Muslims are reportedly experimenting with a bold new strategy: wearing yarmulkes in public just to see if someone will finally care.
Disclaimer: No actual compassion was harmed in the making of this silence.
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