Trump: “Tariffs Are Great—Walmart Should Just Shut Up and Eat the Capitalism”

By Flip Flopwell, Senior Correspondent for the Department of Cognitive Dissonance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move that stunned economists, philosophers, and anyone still trying to follow the plot, President Donald J. Trump demanded that Walmart “quit whining” about rising costs due to tariffs, arguing that “big, rich, powerful companies should absorb the costs like real Americans—silently and with a smile.”

This comes just months after Candidate Trump furiously warned that Democrats were trying to destroy capitalism by vilifying American corporations. “They want to tax the job creators, regulate your cheeseburgers, and outlaw your plastic straws,” Trump thundered at a 2024 rally. “It’s pure socialism. Next thing you know, they’ll be telling Walmart what to charge for deodorant!”

Now, in the latest episode of The Apprentice: Trade War Edition, President Trump has taken to the White House lawn to scold Walmart executives. “They’re making billions. Billions with a B! They can take a little hit. They can swallow a few tariffs. If anything, this will teach them some patriotism. And math.”

Trump clarified that Walmart, a private company in a free-market economy, should absorb the cost of his tariffs on Chinese goods “because I said so, and that’s how capitalism works now.”

White House Press Secretary Tucker McNarrative explained the President’s position: “The President supports the free market. That’s why he’s telling companies exactly what to do, when to do it, and how much they can charge. It’s like capitalism, but smarter. We’re calling it Command Capitalism™—available exclusively at Mar-a-Lago gift shops.”

When asked about the apparent contradiction between calling Democrats communists for criticizing corporations and now pressuring those same corporations to behave like state-run entities, Trump responded:

“There’s no contradiction. I love capitalism. I’m the most capitalist person ever. But if capitalism hurts Americans—or more importantly, hurts my polling—I’m willing to lean in, lean out, or lean sideways. That’s called flexibility. That’s called leadership. Xi Jinping wishes he had this kind of flexibility. And a golf handicap like mine.”

He then pointed at a chart that simply said “ME = RIGHT” in red marker.

Meanwhile, Walmart issued a tepid statement expressing “concern” over the tariffs and explaining that “increased costs from supply chain disruptions will likely be passed to consumers unless the laws of economics are changed by executive tweet.”

Hours later, Trump tweeted:
“WALMART SHOULD BE HAPPY TO PAY THE PRICE FOR AMERICA’S FREEDOM. I WON THE TRADE WAR. IT WAS NEVER ABOUT MONEY. IT WAS ABOUT WINNING. #4DTradeChess”

The President's supporters quickly praised his bold, paradoxical approach. “He’s keeping the corporations in check and keeping the communists out,” said red-capped superfan Brenda Patriot. “Only Trump can stand up to socialism by acting a little bit socialist. That’s just 4D capitalism.”

Back at the White House, sources say Trump is preparing a new economic proposal titled “The Art of the Market: Command It, Blame It, Profit Anyway.” Critics say it’s incoherent.

Supporters call it visionary.