Skip to main content

Trump Declares Slavery Was “The First Great Jobs Program”

Mar-a-Lago, FL—In yet another attempt to rewrite American history with his trademark confidence and none of the facts, President Trump announced yesterday that slavery was actually “a wonderful humanitarian mission” designed to “house, feed, and give jobs” to what he repeatedly called “illegal black immigrants from Africa.”

“Yes, folks, they were immigrants,” Trump told a small crowd of loyalists sipping sweet tea under a gilded tent. “They didn’t fill out the forms, they didn’t come through Ellis Island like the Irish, but we—America—gave them jobs. Jobs they would never have had! Some people say it was bad, but honestly, we treated them much better than their own countries did. Housing, food, plenty of exercise—sometimes even music. Tremendous music.”

The audience applauded, though one supporter was later overheard whispering, “Didn’t Ellis Island open in the 1890s?” before being escorted out by security.

Trump went on to compare plantation owners to modern-day job creators.

  • “They were like the Bezos and Musks of their time,” he explained. “Incredible entrepreneurs. Instead of space rockets, they had cotton. Very soft cotton. Everyone loves cotton. Even I wore it once.”

  • “They gave room and board,” he added. “Which is more than you get at Amazon, believe me.”

Historians quickly scrambled to point out that slavery was, in fact, violent, coercive, and dehumanizing, not a voluntary jobs fair for migrants. Trump dismissed these experts as “woke academics” trying to “cancel history.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering a new policy proposal: rebranding the Middle Passage as “the first great cruise line,” complete with “all-inclusive packages—minus the freedom, of course, but you can’t have everything.”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
Post a Comment
Read more