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Trump Declares Slavery Was “The First Great Jobs Program”

Mar-a-Lago, FL—In yet another attempt to rewrite American history with his trademark confidence and none of the facts, President Trump announced yesterday that slavery was actually “a wonderful humanitarian mission” designed to “house, feed, and give jobs” to what he repeatedly called “illegal black immigrants from Africa.”

“Yes, folks, they were immigrants,” Trump told a small crowd of loyalists sipping sweet tea under a gilded tent. “They didn’t fill out the forms, they didn’t come through Ellis Island like the Irish, but we—America—gave them jobs. Jobs they would never have had! Some people say it was bad, but honestly, we treated them much better than their own countries did. Housing, food, plenty of exercise—sometimes even music. Tremendous music.”

The audience applauded, though one supporter was later overheard whispering, “Didn’t Ellis Island open in the 1890s?” before being escorted out by security.

Trump went on to compare plantation owners to modern-day job creators.

  • “They were like the Bezos and Musks of their time,” he explained. “Incredible entrepreneurs. Instead of space rockets, they had cotton. Very soft cotton. Everyone loves cotton. Even I wore it once.”

  • “They gave room and board,” he added. “Which is more than you get at Amazon, believe me.”

Historians quickly scrambled to point out that slavery was, in fact, violent, coercive, and dehumanizing, not a voluntary jobs fair for migrants. Trump dismissed these experts as “woke academics” trying to “cancel history.”

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering a new policy proposal: rebranding the Middle Passage as “the first great cruise line,” complete with “all-inclusive packages—minus the freedom, of course, but you can’t have everything.”

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