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Trump Declares War on Higher Education: “Close the Colleges, Save the Country”


In a dramatic Oval Office announcement this morning, President Donald J. Trump declared a full-scale War on Higher Education after learning the shocking news that college graduates tend to vote more liberal.

“I just found out something very disturbing,” Trump said, waving a half-empty Diet Coke can for emphasis. “The more college you go to, the less you like me. That’s called discrimination, folks. Discrimination against Trump. Very unfair.”

The Advisor’s Revelation

According to insiders, Trump first became aware of the so-called “education gap” during a briefing on polling data. When he demanded an explanation, one of his top advisors—who proudly notes he “never wasted time in one of those Marxist book factories”—offered a simple theory:

“They brainwash you in college, Mr. President. It’s all Marx, Marx, Marx. You read a couple books and suddenly you think billionaires shouldn’t get tax cuts? That’s permanent brain damage right there.”

Trump reportedly gasped, muttering, “So college is like Hunter Biden’s laptop—but worse.”

The Plan: Shut It Down

Within hours, Trump unveiled Operation Campus Shutdown, a sweeping initiative to eliminate all universities in the United States. “We don’t need Harvard. We don’t need Yale. We have Trump University—accredited by success itself,” he declared, pointing to a freshly printed diploma with his signature in gold Sharpie.

The proposal includes:

  • Replacing universities with “Patriot Learning Centers” where students study the Constitution (only the Second Amendment), the Bible, and select Trump speeches.

  • A mandatory curriculum of Fox & Friends episodes, to be “studied like scripture.”

  • Degrees awarded in Practical Professions Only, such as Golf Course Management, Rally Attendance, and Owning the Libs.

MAGA Nation Responds

The base has embraced the plan enthusiastically. One supporter outside a shuttered community college said, “Finally, no more indoctrination. My kids will grow up free from dangerous ideas like climate change, diversity, and long division.”

On Truth Social, hashtags like #CloseTheColleges, #MAGAucation, and #BrainwashNoMore trended within minutes.

The Fallout

Meanwhile, academics nationwide expressed alarm. One professor tried to reason with the administration, explaining, “Critical thinking is a vital skill for democracy.” In response, Trump blasted him on Truth Social: “Critical thinking is very bad, very negative. I prefer positive thinking—like saying I won every election. That’s real intelligence.”

As campuses prepare for mass closures, Trump reassured the nation:

“Don’t worry, folks. America will be smarter than ever. Nobody’s smarter than the people who never went to college. Just look at me.”

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