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Trump’s Energy Secretary Promises to "Fix" Biden's Climate Assessments: “We’re Adding Sunlight and Common Sense”

August 9, 2025 | Washington, D.C.

In a bold and completely predictable move, President Trump’s Secretary of Energy, former Texas oil lobbyist Buck “Crude” McGraw, announced that the Department of Energy will be “refreshing, realigning, and liberating” climate change reports produced under the Biden administration.

“We took a long, hard look at Biden’s so-called ‘National Climate Assessment,’ and frankly, it was depressing, full of doom and gloom, and totally unfair to fossil fuels,” McGraw told reporters while standing in front of a gas pump podium flanked by two shirtless men grilling burgers on a coal-powered BBQ. “Under Trump, we believe in optimism — and drilling.”

The new assessment, titled “America: Hot, Free, and Thriving”, will include the following updates:

  • Rising sea levels rebranded as "coastal property expansion opportunities"

  • More frequent wildfires reframed as "natural forest exfoliation events"

  • Record heat waves now considered "patriotic warmth surges"

  • Carbon emissions to be listed under “Freedom Particles”

“We’re done with the scare tactics,” McGraw continued. “The previous administration made it sound like we were all gonna melt. But under President Trump’s leadership, we’re embracing the heat — literally. He said to me, and I quote, ‘Global warming sounds like a spa day, Buck. People pay good money for this.’”

Asked about scientific consensus, McGraw gestured to a graph showing a steady increase in American grill sales over the past decade. “Science? You want science? That chart right there proves Americans love warm weather.”

Environmental groups were quick to condemn the move, calling it a dangerous rejection of reality. In response, Trump tweeted (via his assistant’s burner phone, since he’s still banned from most platforms):

"The climate is doing GREAT, better than ever! It’s sunny, we have RECORD heat, and plants LOVE carbon dioxide — they told me personally. Biden’s ‘climate crisis’ is a hoax by Big Umbrella! #SunshineWins 🌞🇺🇸”

The White House also announced a plan to replace the term “greenhouse gases” with the more comforting “Freedom Vapors,” and will be distributing free trucker hats that read “MAKE CLIMATE WARM AGAIN” at gas stations nationwide.

When asked whether the administration believes humans are contributing to climate change, McGraw chuckled.

“Of course not,” he said. “If God didn’t want us to frack the Earth, He wouldn’t have hidden oil in it like a delicious molten Easter egg.”

The revised report is expected to be released in October, just in time for what the Energy Department is now calling “Fall Fire Fest: A Celebration of Spontaneous Combustion.” All are welcome — especially if they bring coal.

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