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World Leaders Flock to Oval Office for Trump’s “Global Gratitude Tour”

By The Department of International Flattery and Alternative Facts

The White House was abuzz this week as an unprecedented line of foreign leaders descended upon the Oval Office to personally thank President Donald J. Trump for being, in their words, “the greatest human to ever walk the Earth, possibly including Jesus, but we’re still checking the records.”

The event, billed as the Global Gratitude Tour, kicked off with a gilded red carpet stretching from Pennsylvania Avenue to the Resolute Desk. Inside, a rotating buffet of McDonald’s Filet-O-Fish sandwiches and Diet Coke fueled what insiders called “a marathon of mutual admiration unmatched in diplomatic history.”

First on the guest list:

  • Vladimir Putin, who embraced Trump with a firm handshake and a wink. “Donald, you’ve done more for Russian-American relations than any president in history,” he said, before presenting him with a commemorative snow globe of Moscow that, when shaken, displays miniature golden towers.

  • Kim Jong Un, arriving with a 12-foot-tall portrait of Trump astride a unicorn, declared, “Your leadership inspires my people almost as much as my leadership inspires my people.”

  • Mohammed bin Salman thanked Trump for “modernizing diplomacy by removing the boring parts, like consequences and human rights.”

Other leaders joined the chorus:

  • Benjamin Netanyahu hailed Trump as “the best dealmaker since God gave Moses the Ten Commandments—although your deals have fewer rules.”

  • Jair Bolsonaro credited Trump with “showing the world how to run a country like a reality show without the hassle of fact-checkers.”

  • Boris Johnson, still sporting a post-prime-ministerial mop of hair, praised Trump’s “strategic chaos” as “a model for governance… and possibly for hosting quiz shows.”

Between photo ops, Trump addressed the gathering from behind the Resolute Desk:

“They all love me, folks. World leaders. Big names. Some of the best names. They’re coming here to thank me, because I’ve made America respected again. We’re respected so much, you wouldn’t believe it—unless you’re watching this, then you can see it with your own eyes. And by the way, more leaders are coming next week. Some you’ve never even heard of. Huge countries. Beautiful flags.”

The ceremony ended with a group rendition of “My Way,” led by Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni, with backup harmonies from the Saudi royal family and a freestyle rap verse from French President Emmanuel Macron.

Critics suggested the spectacle was little more than an elaborate PR stunt, but Trump dismissed them:

“No, no, fake news. This is real. Totally real. The United Nations is jealous. They’re thinking of renaming themselves the United Trumpions.”

As the foreign leaders departed, each was given a souvenir—an autographed MAGA hat and a coupon for one free round of golf at any Trump property.

Next stop on the tour: According to White House sources, Trump plans to visit “select friendly nations” so leaders who couldn’t make it to D.C. can thank him on their own turf. Rumors suggest the itinerary includes Moscow, Pyongyang, Riyadh, and—if negotiations go well—Mar-a-Lago.

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