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Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X, if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers.

According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.”

The theory is elegant in its simplicity:

  • Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens.

  • Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index.

  • Global warming = global shooting. It’s science.

Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence:

  • “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.”

  • “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? Clearly, the climate is involved.”

  • “The Founding Fathers couldn’t have predicted global warming because Ben Franklin’s kite got struck by lightning in mild weather.”

Meanwhile, critics of the theory responded with their own hard data: “Mass shootings also increase when I stub my toe, so should we outlaw furniture?”

Still, the climate theory has its advantages. If shootings are caused by heat, then the NRA can pivot into climate denial even harder: “Stop blaming guns and start blaming Al Gore!” And just imagine the campaign slogans:

  • “Cool the Earth, cool the clips.”

  • “Plant a tree, save a school.”

  • “Ban straws, not assault rifles.”

So as the planet warms, the bullets may keep flying. But at least now we know: every mass shooting is really just another weather report.

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