Skip to main content

Liberal Twitter Drafts Revolutionary Strategy: Waiting Patiently for Trump to Drop Dead

As Donald Trump’s feed went quiet for a full 48 hours, liberal Twitter entered what experts are calling “ecstatic vigil mode.” Hashtags like #TrumpDeadYet and #WeekendAtMarALago began trending as users speculated on whether silence from their favorite hate-watch account meant he was gravely ill, in jail, or being propped up by golf clubs.

Political strategists noted that instead of crafting a coherent plan to counter Trump’s policies, liberal Twitter users seemed united behind a single tactic: “Manifest his death.” One activist explained, “Policy is complicated. Tweeting ‘is he dead yet?’ is much easier. Plus, it gets likes.”

“Every time he doesn’t post for a few hours, my hope rises like the Dow Jones under Clinton,” another user confessed. “I light a candle, refresh my feed, and pray for bad cholesterol to finally do the people’s work.”

Meanwhile, actual Democratic organizers begged liberals to focus on issues like healthcare, voting rights, and economic policy. Their pleas were drowned out by GIFs of tombstones and jokes about embalming fluid.

Conservative pundits, for their part, accused liberals of “political necromancy,” but couldn’t quite hide their own glee at the engagement spikes. “Even their hatred keeps him trending,” one Republican strategist sighed. “He’s literally immortal online.”

As of press time, Trump had returned to Twitter, announcing a new line of Trump-branded steak-flavored COVID supplements. Liberal Twitter groaned in unison, closed their tabs on “mortality rate after 78,” and went back to waiting for the next blessed silence.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
Post a Comment
Read more