Skip to main content

Liberal Twitter Drafts Revolutionary Strategy: Waiting Patiently for Trump to Drop Dead

As Donald Trump’s feed went quiet for a full 48 hours, liberal Twitter entered what experts are calling “ecstatic vigil mode.” Hashtags like #TrumpDeadYet and #WeekendAtMarALago began trending as users speculated on whether silence from their favorite hate-watch account meant he was gravely ill, in jail, or being propped up by golf clubs.

Political strategists noted that instead of crafting a coherent plan to counter Trump’s policies, liberal Twitter users seemed united behind a single tactic: “Manifest his death.” One activist explained, “Policy is complicated. Tweeting ‘is he dead yet?’ is much easier. Plus, it gets likes.”

“Every time he doesn’t post for a few hours, my hope rises like the Dow Jones under Clinton,” another user confessed. “I light a candle, refresh my feed, and pray for bad cholesterol to finally do the people’s work.”

Meanwhile, actual Democratic organizers begged liberals to focus on issues like healthcare, voting rights, and economic policy. Their pleas were drowned out by GIFs of tombstones and jokes about embalming fluid.

Conservative pundits, for their part, accused liberals of “political necromancy,” but couldn’t quite hide their own glee at the engagement spikes. “Even their hatred keeps him trending,” one Republican strategist sighed. “He’s literally immortal online.”

As of press time, Trump had returned to Twitter, announcing a new line of Trump-branded steak-flavored COVID supplements. Liberal Twitter groaned in unison, closed their tabs on “mortality rate after 78,” and went back to waiting for the next blessed silence.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more