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Trump Proposes Renaming Department of Defense to Department of War, Insists It’s the “Peace-iest Move Ever”

Washington, D.C. — In a press conference that began with a pledge to “restore common sense” and ended with a rambling critique of pigeons outside the White House, President Donald J. Trump explained why he wants to rename the Department of Defense the Department of War.

“I’ve always said it—peace through strength,” Trump declared, gesturing to a chart that featured clip art of eagles, tanks, and a suspiciously buff Jesus flexing his biceps. “And nothing says peace like the word war. Everybody knows it. It’s the strongest word, much stronger than ‘defense,’ which frankly sounds like something you do with a tennis racket. Sad.”

A reporter dared to interrupt the president’s flow, asking, “Sir, if you call yourself the peace president, why not rename it the Department of Peace? Wouldn’t that actually send a stronger message of peace through strength?”

Trump smirked, leaned into the microphone, and replied: “Department of Peace? That sounds like yoga class. Very weak. Namaste is not going to stop China, believe me. The Department of War is powerful, manly, very macho. It’s like Rambo—but with paperwork. Everyone respects it. Everyone fears it. And when they fear you, you get peace. It’s 12-dimensional chess. Nobody understands it except me.”

He added, “The Department of Peace would be the most badass name, sure—but only while I was in charge. Otherwise, the hippies will take over and next thing you know we’re handing out kale smoothies to terrorists. I like kale, but only when it’s fried. Very underrated when fried.”

When pressed further about his self-proclaimed title as the “peace president,” Trump doubled down:
“I gave the world so much peace—North Korea didn’t nuke us, Russia was nice to me, and NATO begged for my autograph. Nobody has ever done more for peace. I solved 15 to 20 wars in 8 months. So if I call it the Department of War, it’s like reverse psychology. The media doesn’t get it, but the people do. The best people.”

At the conclusion of the press conference, Trump floated a few alternative names:

  • The Department of Winning Very Bigly

  • The Department of Peace, But With Guns

  • The Department of Trump (“Because I bring peace just by existing, folks”)

Critics pointed out that renaming the Department of Defense isn’t exactly a top priority in a world facing inflation, climate disasters, and global instability. But Trump dismissed these concerns, insisting, “Names are everything. Branding is everything. America will finally have the strongest brand in history—WAR™. It’s going to sell so many hats.”

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