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Tylenol Vanishes After Trump Declares It Causes Autism

Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most medically innovative moment since bleach injections,” former President Donald Trump announced yesterday that Tylenol, the common over-the-counter pain reliever, “definitely, 100 percent, without a doubt causes autism in unborn babies.” He offered no data, studies, or even anecdotes—just the raw, unfiltered confidence of a man who once diagnosed hurricanes with a Sharpie.

“Everybody’s saying it, very smart people, the best doctors,” Trump said at a rally, gesturing vaguely toward the crowd. “Pregnant women take a Tylenol, boom—autism. Terrible. But you won’t hear that from Big Pharma, because they don’t want you to know. I know. I know more about Tylenol than the Tylenol people do.”

Within hours, Johnson & Johnson executives reportedly collapsed into one another’s arms, whispering “he’s onto us,” before issuing a statement announcing they were voluntarily removing Tylenol from the market. “We are committed to immediately surrendering to baseless claims made at podiums,” said a trembling spokesperson. “It’s what the shareholders demand.”

Mass Panic Ensues

CVS and Walgreens shelves were cleared out overnight, with frantic shoppers loading carts full of last-chance Tylenol like it was the new Beanie Baby craze. One woman was overheard muttering, “If Trump says it causes autism, then it must work better than ever. I’m stocking up.”

Meanwhile, scientists everywhere attempted to Google “Tylenol + autism” only to discover… nothing. One epidemiologist sighed, “We have thousands of peer-reviewed studies showing no link, but I guess those are meaningless compared to a guy with a red hat and a microphone.”

Alternative Remedies Rise

With Tylenol gone, Americans are turning to other remedies, including essential oils, pickle juice, and listening to Joe Rogan podcasts at double speed. Trump himself announced he was working on a “fantastic new pill” made from “American coal dust and freedom,” which he promised would cure pain without “the autism problem.”

Stock Market Fallout

Wall Street reacted with its usual poise:

  • Johnson & Johnson shares plummeted 93%.

  • Ibuprofen futures soared.

  • Herbalife briefly renamed itself “Tylenol-Free Herbalife” and saw a 400% surge.

Elon Musk tweeted that he would develop a Tylenol alternative using “space medicine,” but only if followers bought more Dogecoin.

The Scientific Community Responds

In an unprecedented move, the American Medical Association held a press conference where 200 doctors simultaneously screamed into microphones: “THERE IS NO EVIDENCE!” The microphones immediately short-circuited.

What’s Next?

Rumors swirl that Trump’s next medical crusade will target band-aids (“they cause socialism”), vitamin D (“a plot by the sun”), and thermometers (“fake news in your mouth”). In the meantime, millions of Americans will have to choose between Advil, aspirin, or rubbing dirt on it.

Bottom Line: One press conference later, decades of pharmaceutical history are undone. Tylenol is gone, Trump is triumphant, and somewhere in a warehouse, 10 billion tiny white tablets are weeping silently into the void.

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