Skip to main content

Tylenol Vanishes After Trump Declares It Causes Autism

Washington, D.C. – In what experts are calling “the most medically innovative moment since bleach injections,” former President Donald Trump announced yesterday that Tylenol, the common over-the-counter pain reliever, “definitely, 100 percent, without a doubt causes autism in unborn babies.” He offered no data, studies, or even anecdotes—just the raw, unfiltered confidence of a man who once diagnosed hurricanes with a Sharpie.

“Everybody’s saying it, very smart people, the best doctors,” Trump said at a rally, gesturing vaguely toward the crowd. “Pregnant women take a Tylenol, boom—autism. Terrible. But you won’t hear that from Big Pharma, because they don’t want you to know. I know. I know more about Tylenol than the Tylenol people do.”

Within hours, Johnson & Johnson executives reportedly collapsed into one another’s arms, whispering “he’s onto us,” before issuing a statement announcing they were voluntarily removing Tylenol from the market. “We are committed to immediately surrendering to baseless claims made at podiums,” said a trembling spokesperson. “It’s what the shareholders demand.”

Mass Panic Ensues

CVS and Walgreens shelves were cleared out overnight, with frantic shoppers loading carts full of last-chance Tylenol like it was the new Beanie Baby craze. One woman was overheard muttering, “If Trump says it causes autism, then it must work better than ever. I’m stocking up.”

Meanwhile, scientists everywhere attempted to Google “Tylenol + autism” only to discover… nothing. One epidemiologist sighed, “We have thousands of peer-reviewed studies showing no link, but I guess those are meaningless compared to a guy with a red hat and a microphone.”

Alternative Remedies Rise

With Tylenol gone, Americans are turning to other remedies, including essential oils, pickle juice, and listening to Joe Rogan podcasts at double speed. Trump himself announced he was working on a “fantastic new pill” made from “American coal dust and freedom,” which he promised would cure pain without “the autism problem.”

Stock Market Fallout

Wall Street reacted with its usual poise:

  • Johnson & Johnson shares plummeted 93%.

  • Ibuprofen futures soared.

  • Herbalife briefly renamed itself “Tylenol-Free Herbalife” and saw a 400% surge.

Elon Musk tweeted that he would develop a Tylenol alternative using “space medicine,” but only if followers bought more Dogecoin.

The Scientific Community Responds

In an unprecedented move, the American Medical Association held a press conference where 200 doctors simultaneously screamed into microphones: “THERE IS NO EVIDENCE!” The microphones immediately short-circuited.

What’s Next?

Rumors swirl that Trump’s next medical crusade will target band-aids (“they cause socialism”), vitamin D (“a plot by the sun”), and thermometers (“fake news in your mouth”). In the meantime, millions of Americans will have to choose between Advil, aspirin, or rubbing dirt on it.

Bottom Line: One press conference later, decades of pharmaceutical history are undone. Tylenol is gone, Trump is triumphant, and somewhere in a warehouse, 10 billion tiny white tablets are weeping silently into the void.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
Post a Comment
Read more