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Who Owns Your Rights? God, Government, or Customer Service?

 Washington, D.C. — The Senate floor descended into theological chaos this week after a Democratic senator committed the unpardonable sin of saying out loud that “we get our rights from the law” and that “the United States is based on the rule of law.” Republicans immediately clutched their pearls, their pocket Constitutions, and at least one pocket Bible.

“Excuse me?” thundered Senator Cornstarch R-TX. “Our rights are granted by Almighty God, not some bureaucrat with a pen and a law degree! If God didn’t want us carrying AR-15s into Starbucks, He would’ve added an eleventh commandment about it!”

Within minutes, conservative media outlets declared that Democrats had officially declared war on the Almighty, promising that “first they came for your gas stoves, now they’re coming for your God-given right to stand your ground in the frozen foods aisle.”

Liberals, not to be out-dramatized, fired back on social media: “If rights are granted by God, then who enforces them? Is there a celestial HR department? Do we file complaints directly with St. Peter when our landlord tramples on our tenant rights?” One progressive commentator mused: “If rights come from God, why did women have to wait until 1920 for suffrage? Did the divine Wi-Fi go down for a century and a half?”

Meanwhile, the Supreme Court was reportedly spotted Googling: Can God file amicus briefs?

Scholars were split:

  • Conservatives argued that the Declaration of Independence clearly says “endowed by their Creator,” conveniently ignoring that Jefferson also wrote “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” while owning people.

  • Liberals countered that God has been historically unreliable at returning emails, which makes codified rights through law slightly more practical.

As the debate rages, everyday Americans remain stuck in the middle, wondering whether to renew their driver’s license at the DMV or at church.

For now, the only certainty is this: if rights truly do come from God, then apparently He outsourced enforcement to Congress—proof enough that the Almighty must have a cruel sense of humor.

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