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“Dear Patriotic Penitent” — Advice for the Morally Confused

Dear Patriotic Penitent,

You write that you “feel terrible” after reporting your history professor to Charlie Kirk’s Professor Watchlist for being a “raging communist” who was “trying to indoctrinate the class.” You say you only did it because you got a C on your essay about how the Founding Fathers “invented capitalism,” and now you’re shocked—shocked!—that days later, the professor was swatted.

You insist you “didn’t mean any harm.” Oh honey. That’s like saying, “I didn’t mean to start a forest fire—I just thought the trees looked chilly.”

Let’s unpack this, shall we?

🔥 Step 1: Understand What “Reporting a Communist” Actually Means in 2025

In the modern collegiate ecosystem, calling someone a “communist” doesn’t mean they’re plotting to seize the means of production. It usually means they assigned you a reading that made you think.

You say your professor “praised labor unions.” That’s not Marxist indoctrination—that’s a Tuesday in History 241. But thanks to your vigilance, the Professor Watchlist now has one more blurry photo of a terrified adjunct holding a dry-erase marker, and freedom is somehow safer.

🕵️ Step 2: Recognize the Power of the Keyboard Warrior

You tell me you “didn’t realize” that submitting his name would get him published online with his photo, workplace, and “alleged crimes against patriotism.”

Let me guess—you thought Charlie Kirk’s site was a friendly Yelp for Marxists?
“⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ Great professor, indoctrination was light, grading was fair!”

When you hit “submit,” you didn’t just report a complaint—you pulled the digital fire alarm in a room full of people with flamethrowers.

🧯 Step 3: Reflect on the Chain Reaction of Consequences

After the Watchlist post went live, the comments section filled with the usual democracy defenders:

  • “He should be deported to Venezuela!”

  • “Someone needs to pay him a visit!”

  • “This is why we need more campus carry!”

Two days later, your professor found himself face-to-face with a SWAT team because someone mistook “teaching critical thinking” for “critical theory terrorism.”

So yes, you didn’t personally call the SWAT team. But you did hand the internet a match and a can of gasoline labeled “I was mad about a grade.”

🧘 Step 4: Redemption, 21st-Century Style

First, take responsibility. Write your professor an apology letter—not the “I’m sorry you felt that way” variety. The real kind. You might even explain that you’ve since learned that the phrase “class struggle” does not refer to your GPA.

Second, consider using your energy for good. You clearly have a knack for mobilizing people—maybe join a voter registration drive, or volunteer somewhere that doesn’t involve doxxing educators.

Finally, ask yourself: why did you believe the idea that disagreement = indoctrination? And why does “patriotism” now mean ratting out your teachers to a Twitter influencer with a merch line?

💡 Final Thought

You’re not the first student to confuse a poor grade with persecution. But next time you feel wronged, maybe skip the digital witch trial and go with the classic approach: office hours.

And remember: in a democracy, you have the right to free speech—just not the right to free yourself from the consequences of saying something stupid.

— Yours in Critical Thinking,
Dr. Integrity, Columnist for “The Moral Panic Gazette”

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