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Republicans Condemn ‘No Kings’ Protests as Hate America Movement—Experts Confirm Irony Levels Off the Charts

In a stunning display of patriotic confusion, several Republican lawmakers and media personalities have condemned the recent No Kings protests—organized in opposition to creeping authoritarianism—as “anti-American,” accusing demonstrators of “hating the country that gives them the freedom to hate the country.”

“They’re out there waving signs, chanting, and questioning authority,” said Senator Buck Patriot (R-Freedomville). “That’s not what America’s about. America’s about respecting authority, keeping quiet, and letting billionaires decide what’s best for you.”

The No Kings demonstrators—who argue that democracy, not monarchy, was the founding principle of the United States—have been baffled by the backlash. “We literally read the Declaration of Independence out loud,” said one protester. “It’s like they think Thomas Jefferson was woke.”

Right-wing commentators quickly took to cable news to denounce the movement, branding it the Hate America protests. “They’re protesting tyranny? Typical liberal snowflakes,” said pundit Chad Bluster on Patriot Talk Now. “Real Americans don’t criticize their government. They just post memes about how they’d fight it if it ever went too far.”

Meanwhile, historians have been quietly sobbing into their tri-corner hats. “The ability to protest is the essence of the American experiment,” explained Dr. Abigail Freewell, professor of Revolutionary Studies. “The Boston Tea Party was literally a riot against taxes and royal overreach. But sure, let’s call that ‘anti-British-patriot hate speech.’”

House Republicans have reportedly drafted a resolution declaring the No Kings protests “un-American acts of free expression,” which they insist is not a contradiction. When asked how protesting could be both legal and treasonous, Representative Liberty Justice III replied, “It depends on who’s doing the protesting.”

As one protester’s sign succinctly put it:

“If protesting tyranny means you hate America, then apparently the Founding Fathers did too.”

Still, GOP strategists remain confident that rebranding basic civic participation as “hate” will play well with their base. “We just need to remind people that freedom is for slogans, not for use,” said one anonymous aide.

In unrelated news, the same lawmakers are planning a rally next week called “Founding Fathers for Kings: Because Freedom’s Gone Too Far.”

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