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Why a War with Venezuela Would Absolutely, Positively, 100% Not Be an Endless War

In what experts are calling a “refreshingly confident delusion,” U.S. officials have assured the public that a war with Venezuela would definitely not be another endless war. “We’ve learned from the past,” said one unnamed Pentagon spokesperson while staring at a map that still had Afghanistan circled in red. “This one would be different. Totally different. It’s got oil.”

Administration sources insist that the operation would be “swift and surgical,” much like every other war described that way before turning into a 20-year Netflix documentary. When asked about the exit strategy, one general said, “Oh, we have one. We just haven’t decided what it is yet.”

Political commentators agree: Venezuela presents a unique opportunity for the United States to liberate a country that didn’t ask for it, using the same strategy that has never failed—bomb first, ask questions later. “It’s not like we’re trying to change a regime,” said a senior official. “We’re just trying to… gently replace it with one that likes us more.”

Critics argue that Venezuela’s complex political system, regional alliances, and history of U.S. intervention might make for a long and costly occupation. But proponents quickly dismissed that concern: “We’ll be greeted as liberators. They’ll throw arepas and roses at our tanks.”

Economists, meanwhile, have expressed cautious optimism that a Venezuelan conflict could be a “jobs creator,” especially for defense contractors who have been struggling to afford their third yachts. “The military-industrial complex has feelings too,” said one lobbyist tearfully.

When pressed on whether this could become another endless war, the administration doubled down: “Impossible. We’ve learned from Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, and Syria that endless wars only happen when you stay too long. This time we’ll leave right after we win—which, by our estimates, should be any decade now.”

In related news, the Department of Defense announced the construction of “temporary” military bases across Latin America, defined as “temporary until we forget why they’re there.”

And just to be clear, this is not about oil. It’s about democracy. And also oil. But mostly democracy.

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