Truthliness News

White House insists it’s “deeply unfair” to expect the Commander-in-Chief to read the Constitution he swore to defend In a development that shocked absolutely no one with access to Google, President Trump expressed righteous fury toward six members of Congress who dared— dared! —to suggest that U.S. military personnel should not obey illegal orders. According to aides, the president was “deeply offended” at the implication that any order issued by his administration could possibly have been illegal. When pressed for specifics, aides gestured vaguely toward the ceiling and muttered, “It’s complicated.” Experts: “Well, we do have… the receipts.” Legal scholars across the spectrum politely raised their hands and offered a few gentle reminders, such as: The Constitution explicitly protects birthright citizenship , and no, it cannot be undone by an executive order. Tariffs must be approved by Congress , not imposed unilaterally because someone had a bad morning on Truth Social. Igno...

In what observers are calling “a bold new entry in the Authoritarian Olympics,” President Trump expressed dramatic outrage this week toward six members of Congress who suggested that military personnel should not carry out illegal orders — a stance many legal scholars refer to as “literally the rule of law.” The president, never one to shy away from rhetorical fireworks, announced that these lawmakers deserve the “strongest consequences imaginable,” though aides quickly clarified that he meant “strong consequences in the most metaphorical , TV-drama sense,” given that the Constitution tends to frown on punishing people for encouraging legality. “ It’s unbelievable, folks. Completely unbelievable, ” the president said. “We tell the military what to do, and then these six—these six!—tell them to follow the law instead. Total betrayal.” He paused for dramatic effect, as if unveiling the plot twist of a late-season reality show. Administration officials later explained that the president’...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After six Democratic members of Congress released a video reminding U.S. military personnel that they should not follow illegal orders, the Trump administration denounced the act as “seditious,” “traitorous,” and “un-American,” prompting the nation to collectively tilt its head and ask, Wait… does that mean you were planning to give illegal orders? White House spokespeople immediately clarified that no , the administration wasn’t admitting to anything but yes , anyone warning soldiers about illegal commands should “keep their mouths shut if they know what’s good for them.” “You see, telling troops to obey the law undermines the President’s authority,” said Press Secretary Chad “Don’t Think Too Hard About It” Mitchell. “Which, now that you mention it, may raise some questions about what kind of orders we’re talking about, but we’d prefer you didn’t.” New Legal Theory: Obedience Is Patriotic, Legality Is Optional Administration lawyers have reportedly developed a ...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Doubling down on its promise to “restore order with vigor, enthusiasm, and a tasteful amount of anonymity,” the Trump administration unveiled a new enforcement unit made up of ICE officers wearing full-face masks “for their own safety,” “for operational efficiency,” and most importantly, “so nobody knows who to complain to.” Officials insisted that the masks—featuring tinted visors, voice modulators, and a subtle eagle motif—were not “intimidating,” “authoritarian,” or “straight out of a dystopian streaming series currently trending on Netflix.” Instead, they were described as “a thoughtful ergonomic solution to public feedback.” President Trump praised the innovation: “These brave patriots need protection. It’s very dangerous when people know who is knocking on their door at 3 a.m. So now they’ll wear masks. Totally normal. The best countries do it. Not like those other guys in history who wore uniforms and masks. Completely different energy.” Officials: “Stop C...

In a bold new plan to tackle America’s housing crisis, conservative leaders have unveiled a strategy so brilliant it could only have been conceived after several hours of cable news and zero minutes of economics: deport all undocumented immigrants, and watch housing prices plummet. “It’s simple supply and demand,” declared Vice President J.D. Vance, confidently mixing up both. “If we deport millions of people, there’ll be fewer folks looking for homes. Boom, cheaper houses for everyone!” Economists, construction companies, and anyone who’s ever watched a roof being installed had questions. You see, while the theory sounds airtight to anyone whose last math class was interrupted by a fire drill, there’s a small problem: undocumented immigrants make up a massive portion of the construction workforce. They’re the ones actually building the homes. You know, those things that make the housing market exist in the first place. But the deportation dreamers are undeterred. “We’ll just have Am...

In what political strategists are calling “a masterclass in self-sabotage disguised as strategy,” President Donald J. Trump has once again proven that when it comes to playing chess, he’s not confined by the traditional two dimensions of reality—or logic. During his 2024 campaign, Trump electrified crowds by declaring that, once reinstated as president, he would “immediately release the Epstein files.” It was a bold promise that rallied both conspiracy theorists and casual cable news watchers who love a good scandal with their morning coffee. “No one wants to see those files more than me,” Trump vowed. “I know what’s in them—tremendous stuff, folks. Maybe the best stuff. You’ll be very impressed.” Fast forward to 2025. After reclaiming the White House in what he described as “the most legitimate landslide in history, maybe ever,” Trump’s administration immediately sprang into action—not to release the Epstein files, but to keep them locked up tighter than Melania’s social calendar. Att...

In a whirlwind 72-hour cycle that included denial, deflection, attempted legislative sabotage, and a public reinvention as Mr. Transparency, President Donald Trump is now “100% in favor” of releasing the full Jeffrey Epstein files — after it became painfully clear that Congress was going to do it anyway. Operation Stop the List The drama began when a bipartisan congressional coalition introduced a bill to declassify all documents related to Epstein’s alleged trafficking network. Trump, according to several unnamed sources, began urgently pressuring GOP members behind the scenes to vote “Hell No.” One source claimed Trump called the files “a Deep State trap full of fake names like mine,” while another said he warned, “You don’t want to know what’s in there. Trust me. Trust me so hard.” The MAGA Resistance But then something unthinkable happened: some of Trump’s fiercest supporters said “nah.” Rep. Buck Hightower (R-TX) tweeted: “We said we were draining the swamp. We didn’t mean sel...

In what experts are calling “both a bold economic plan and a light constitutional hostage situation,”  President Donald Trump announced that he would use tariff revenues to fund a $2,000 “Trump Dividend” for every American — just as soon as the Supreme Court remembers who appointed half of them. The Announcement Speaking from his gilded ballroom (formerly known as the East Wing), Trump declared: “These tariffs are going to make so much money, folks — so much — that every American will get two thousand dollars. Maybe more. Maybe three. Depends on how nicely the Supreme Court treats me.” The crowd cheered wildly, not entirely sure whether they were watching a campaign rally or a negotiation with the judicial branch. The Legal “Gray Area” There’s just one small hiccup: the Constitution doesn’t exactly say that presidents can unilaterally impose tariffs or hand out cash like a game show host yelling, “You get a dividend! You get a dividend!” The Supreme Court, apparently burdened b...

In a stunning new economic theory unveiled on cable news, Vice President J.D. Vance and a chorus of conservative commentators have discovered the secret—finally, finally —to fixing the American housing market: Deport every undocumented immigrant, and boom: cheap houses for everyone. Yes, you heard that correctly. Not safer streets. Not restored sovereignty. Not even the usual “they’re taking your jobs” remix. Nope. This week’s talking point: real estate bargains , courtesy of mass deportation. The Announcement Standing behind a podium labeled “Economics Is a Vibe,” Vance explained: “If we deport 11 million people, housing prices will drop. That’s just math.” When pressed on which math, specifically, produces a 40% housing crash through deportation, Vance replied confidently: “The good kind.” The Tiny Problem: Middle-Class Families There was, however, one small oversight in this brilliantly engineered thought experiment: Most middle-class Americans store the overwhelming majorit...

In today’s episode of Things No One Could Have Predicted Except Literally Everyone , conservative commentators have taken to the airwaves to denounce Obamacare as a “corrupt socialist scam” that—brace yourself— gives taxpayer money directly to insurance companies. Yes. Insurance companies. The very same private corporations Republicans insisted must remain at the center of the U.S. healthcare system, because the free market is basically Jesus with a calculator. Selective Amnesia: A Core Conservative Value Fox News hosts expressed shock— shock! —upon learning that insurance companies receive government subsidies under the Affordable Care Act. One anchor reportedly whispered, “My God… we’re funneling money into private corporations… how could Obama do something so capitalist?” Experts gently reminded them that this arrangement exists because Republicans killed the public option, the very thing that would’ve prevented private insurers from being the middlemen. But conservatives nationwi...

In a dazzling Rose Garden announcement complete with golden bunting, a fog machine, and a choir humming “Hail to the Chief” in a minor key, President Donald J. Trump unveiled what he called “the most spectacular, most terrific, most everybody-is-saying-so healthcare plan in American history.” He dubbed it Trumpcare™ —a revolutionary system in which the federal government will give money directly to people so that they can better afford their own healthcare. “Folks, it’s simple,” Trump proclaimed, flanked by several cardboard cutouts of himself in a lab coat. “Under Trumpcare, instead of the government being involved—terrible idea, horrible—we’re going to give people money so they can pay for their healthcare. Total freedom. The best freedom.” The audience applauded, though several appeared to be staffers who had been instructed to clap every time Trump paused to breathe. A Reporter Dares to Ask During the Q&A portion—limited to 30 seconds and only reporters who had pre-approved ...

In a stunning display of blind loyalty and selective literacy, conservative Twitter erupted into chaos today after Democrats released an internal email describing President Donald Trump spending “several hours alone” with a known Epstein victim. The right immediately dismissed the report as “a desperate smear campaign” and “another deep-state distraction from the president’s ongoing streak of total perfection.” “This is just like Hunter’s laptop, except the opposite and therefore fake,” tweeted one MAGA influencer, who proudly added that he hadn’t actually read the email because, quote, “that’s exactly what they want you to do.” Right-wing pundits rushed to cable news to decry the “latest hoax,” insisting that Democrats had released the email only to derail Trump’s “historic run of success,” which they defined as “not currently being indicted this week.” Fox News anchor Cheryl Vance solemnly warned viewers that reading the email would only “play into the left’s game.” Instead, she ...

Eric Trump Declares: “Finally, a Family Business That’s Both Patriotic and Profitable Under Sharia Law!” In what analysts are calling “the most entrepreneurial panic attack in U.S. retail history,” the Trump family has announced its latest investment venture: Burka-R-Us , a soon-to-launch chain of high-end modest-wear boutiques across New York City. The move comes just days after socialist-leaning candidate  Mamdani was elected mayor of New York—a result that, according to certain corners of conservative social media, all but guarantees the formal institution of Sharia law by next Tuesday. “We’re always ahead of the curve,” Eric Trump proudly told reporters while standing in front of a gilded mannequin wearing a sequined floor-length veil. “When other people see cultural paranoia, we see market opportunity. Dad always said, ‘If you can’t beat ‘em, sell them imported textiles at a 500% markup.’” The flagship store, set to open on Fifth Avenue, reportedly features “Trump-branded...

In an absolute meltdown for the ages, conservatives across the internet are reeling after New York City elected what they’re calling “a radical communist jihadi Muslim socialist Marxist terrorist.” Fox pundits immediately declared it “the end of Western civilization,” while one influencer tweeted, “NYC is now officially the capital of the Soviet Caliphate.” The new mayor, in reality, is a mild-mannered progressive Democrat who supports expanding affordable housing, funding public transit, and not launching a global revolution. He also happens to be Muslim—a fact that, in certain corners of conservative media, automatically translates to jihadi sleeper agent. “I mean, come on,” said one outraged commenter. “He literally said ‘social justice’ in his victory speech. That’s code for redistributing my 401(k) to the Taliban!” Experts have tried to clarify the difference between “socialist,” “communist,” and “anyone who doesn’t think billionaires should own all the oxygen.” But as one polit...

In a bold move to redefine public communication, the Trump administration has decided that transparency means transparently blaming Democrats for everything . As the government grinds to another spectacular halt, visitors to official U.S. agency websites are now greeted with a friendly pop-up message: “Due to the radical far-left Democrats refusing to fund the government, this department is experiencing low energy and may not update its website. Please check back when America is great again.” That’s right — the same administration that once brought you “SharpieGate” and “Infrastructure Week” is now pioneering the new field of partisan website disclaimers. The Department of Agriculture’s site reportedly warns that it can’t post crop reports “because of Nancy Pelosi’s anti-farmer policies.” Over at the National Park Service, visitors hoping to see trail conditions are told: “Sorry, Yosemite is closed — the Democrats hate trees.” Meanwhile, the IRS homepage has been reduced to a single...

It’s another day in the Republic, and conservatives on social media are once again breaking the news that Democrats haven’t won a fair election since approximately the invention of democracy. “THEY ONLY WIN BECAUSE THEY CHEAT!!!” they cry, pounding their keyboards so hard you can hear the Constitution weeping. But then—plot twist!—The Heritage Foundation, that radical leftist organization (checks notes… oh wait, it’s conservative ), published data showing that election fraud occurs roughly once in every million votes cast. That’s right: one in a million. Meaning you’re more likely to get struck by lightning while winning the Powerball during a shark attack than to witness actual voter fraud. Yet this hasn’t stopped the cries of “RIGGED!” echoing across X, Truth Social, and select Cracker Barrels nationwide. “Those numbers are fake!” insists one user named @PatriotEagleFreedom47. “Everyone knows the Heritage Foundation is controlled by George Soros, Hillary Clinton, and the ghost of H...