Deportation Nation: How Kicking Out the Builders Will Totally Make Housing Affordable (Eventually, Maybe, Never)

In a bold new plan to tackle America’s housing crisis, conservative leaders have unveiled a strategy so brilliant it could only have been conceived after several hours of cable news and zero minutes of economics: deport all undocumented immigrants, and watch housing prices plummet.

“It’s simple supply and demand,” declared Vice President J.D. Vance, confidently mixing up both. “If we deport millions of people, there’ll be fewer folks looking for homes. Boom, cheaper houses for everyone!”

Economists, construction companies, and anyone who’s ever watched a roof being installed had questions.

You see, while the theory sounds airtight to anyone whose last math class was interrupted by a fire drill, there’s a small problem: undocumented immigrants make up a massive portion of the construction workforce. They’re the ones actually building the homes. You know, those things that make the housing market exist in the first place.

But the deportation dreamers are undeterred. “We’ll just have Americans do those jobs,” one senator insisted, while failing to explain where he’d find Americans willing to frame houses in 110-degree heat for $17 an hour without a lunch break.

The result, experts warn, would be catastrophic: construction would grind to a halt, homebuilding would collapse, and the already short housing supply would shrink further. Prices wouldn’t fall, they’d skyrocket. Within a year, Zillow listings will look like Sotheby’s catalogs.

Yet the administration remains steadfast. “Sure, there may be some temporary issues,” said a senior advisor, “like no new homes, no road crews, and no one to fix your roof after the next hurricane—but once we get AI to do drywall, we’ll be golden.”

Meanwhile, middle-class homeowners, whose biggest investment is their house, are starting to panic. “Wait,” said one suburban dad, “so if home prices go down, I lose money, and if they go up, I can’t afford to move? How is that good?”

“Patriotism,” replied Vance. “You can’t put a price on freedom. But if you could, it’d be higher now because nobody’s left to build anything.”

And so America marches bravely toward its new future: fewer immigrants, fewer homes, and higher prices than ever before. The dream of affordable housing has never been so expensive.

As one construction site manager put it, staring at an empty job site once buzzing with skilled laborers:
“Sure, we’ve got fewer immigrants now. But hey—at least we’ve got cheaper rent in our imaginary houses.”