Truthliness News

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...

An Advice Column for Those Who Have Made… Choices*** Dear Mall Madness, So I work(ed) at a CinnaBun in a perfectly average mall in Wisconsin—fluorescent lights, sticky floors, teenagers pretending not to stare at each other—you know, the classics. Anyway, the other day a customer ordered a Classic Roll, and somehow this activated something in me that turned the entire food court into a cable news panel. I went on a rant about “how Muslims shouldn’t be in America,” even though (1) this had nothing to do with pastries and (2) I have never once left the state of Wisconsin except for a school trip to the Dells. Then—because apparently I decided that Wrong Choices should come in combo meals—I hurled a racist insult at the woman. Yes, that word. The one that should never exist outside history books and documentaries narrated by Morgan Freeman. Shocking absolutely no one except myself at the time, another customer filmed the meltdown. TikTok got involved. It went viral faster than free sam...

Liberals Respond: “Yes… that actually tracks perfectly with what happened.” In a development that has stunned exactly zero behavioral scientists but has sent MAGA Twitter into a victory conga line, the FBI announced today the arrest of the long-mysterious January 6 pipe bomber. The suspect, to the collective delight of the Trump-sphere, is reportedly a Black man who openly disliked Donald Trump. Within minutes, MAGA influencers erupted online with jubilant posts celebrating what they called “proof that January 6 was a peaceful multicultural yoga retreat interrupted only by antifa.” Hashtags included #MAGAWasRight , #CaseClosed . One prominent poster declared: “Boom! He hated Trump! That means Trump supporters had NOTHING to do with January 6! Stop the witch hunt! (Except the one for Nancy Pelosi’s laptop.)” Another wrote: “Told you it was antifa. Or BLM. Or Obama. Or George Soros. Or maybe Beyoncé. We had so many theories.” Meanwhile, liberals responded with what experts are calli...

In a congressional hearing that observers have already described as “a cross between Dr. Strangelove and a frat house disciplinary board,” The Secretary of War and self-proclaimed wartime philosopher Pete Hegseth testified about the now-infamous incident in which a suspected drug boat was blown up in international waters twice —the second volley allegedly fired for the purpose of “ensuring no loose ends.” According to testimony, the admiral on scene turned to Hegseth and asked, “Would you like to take another shot?” A reasonable person might interpret this as: A) “Would you like to fire on the vessel again?” or B) “Would you like to partake in some celebratory destroyer-grade bourbon?” Hegseth went with B . “Look, c’mon,” he told lawmakers, leaning casually into the microphone as though delivering a podcast ad read. “Given my past, you really think I’ve ever turned down a second shot? Please. I didn’t even decline one before I got in that Uber that night.” Committee members paus...

In a shocking development that stunned absolutely no international legal scholars but somehow surprised several high-ranking U.S. officials, the government is now grappling with the revelation that blowing up suspected drug boats in international waters without warning … might— and this is a big maybe —constitute a criminal offense . For decades, U.S. leaders have reassured the public that international law is essentially “the speed limit sign you only obey when someone’s looking.” But recent events have forced a revision to this long-standing interpretation after multiple “suspected drug vessels” mysteriously transitioned from "targets of suspicion" to "rapidly expanding underwater museums." Officials defended the practice at first, insisting the explosions were simply “enhanced maritime decommissioning” or “oceanic compliance encouragement.” But experts countered that, legally speaking, a government cannot simply detonate anything that looks kind of sketchy on th...