Skip to main content

FBI Finally Arrests January 6 Pipe Bomber; MAGA Twitter Declares “Total Exoneration” Because Suspect Happens to Hate Trump

Liberals Respond: “Yes… that actually tracks perfectly with what happened.”

In a development that has stunned exactly zero behavioral scientists but has sent MAGA Twitter into a victory conga line, the FBI announced today the arrest of the long-mysterious January 6 pipe bomber. The suspect, to the collective delight of the Trump-sphere, is reportedly a Black man who openly disliked Donald Trump.

Within minutes, MAGA influencers erupted online with jubilant posts celebrating what they called “proof that January 6 was a peaceful multicultural yoga retreat interrupted only by antifa.” Hashtags included #MAGAWasRight, #CaseClosed.

One prominent poster declared:

“Boom! He hated Trump! That means Trump supporters had NOTHING to do with January 6! Stop the witch hunt! (Except the one for Nancy Pelosi’s laptop.)”

Another wrote:

“Told you it was antifa. Or BLM. Or Obama. Or George Soros. Or maybe Beyoncé. We had so many theories.”

Meanwhile, liberals responded with what experts are calling “the sigh heard round the world.”

“Yeah… this actually makes total sense?” one wrote. “Trump explicitly told his supporters he would be marching to the Capitol with them to stop the certification. He didn’t go—of course—but they did. If someone who hated Trump planted bombs, that doesn’t change any of that. Two things can be true. It’s not that complicated.”

Political analysts note that the new discovery has created a rare moment of bipartisan agreement:

Everyone is glad the bomber was caught.

But the agreement ends there.

MAGA Twitter insists the arrest means all of January 6 was a covert anti-Trump operation masterminded by a guy nobody had heard of until 20 minutes ago.

Liberals, in contrast, maintain the wild notion—controversial in some precincts—that the thousands of people who smashed windows, attacked police, erected gallows, smeared… substances… on walls, and chanted about the Vice President may still bear some responsibility for their actions.

When reached for comment, President Trump said:

“I always said the bomber wasn’t one of our people. Our people are patriots. They don’t plant bombs. They smear. Totally different energy, everybody knows that.”

The suspect is currently in federal custody. MAGA influencers are already preparing documentaries titled The Real January 6: The Black Guy Did It.

Liberals, exhausted, simply responded:

“Honestly? At this point? Sure. Whatever. Just put the guy on trial. And maybe next time don’t storm the Capitol?”

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trump Says Ukraine War Caused by Stolen 2020 Election; Ends Conflict Instantly with Confidence

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...
Post a Comment
Read more

Trump’s Prime-Time Address Assures Americans the Economy Is Perfect—Suggests They’re Just Too Stupid to Notice

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...
Post a Comment
Read more

Nation Excited to Experience All the Thrill of Getting a Passport — Every Two Years — Just to Vote

WASHINGTON — In a stunning development for lovers of paperwork everywhere, lawmakers have unveiled the SAFE Act, a bold new initiative promising to bring the full sensory experience of passport acquisition directly to your local election cycle. Supporters say the bill will ensure “secure, confident elections,” while critics have pointed out it also ensures that Americans can relive the magic of government-issued identity documentation roughly as often as they replace their toothbrush. Democracy, Now With Waiting Rooms Under the proposal, voters would present newly verified identification documentation — potentially requiring updated proof of citizenship — before casting a ballot. “People love passports,” said one enthusiastic policy backer. “The lines. The forms. The gentle existential dread while wondering if your birth certificate has the right font. Why should international travel have all the fun?” Experts estimate the average American could now enjoy: Searching for their origina...
Post a Comment
Read more