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BREAKING: White House Introduces New "Fake Facts" Designation to Combat Dangerous Outbreak of Accurate Information

Washington, D.C. — In what administration officials are calling "the most important press freedom initiative since the invention of television, maybe ever," the White House announced Monday the creation of a new federal classification system designed to protect Americans from what Chief Communications Strategist Chad Bullhorn described as "an epidemic of unauthorized facts."

The initiative, titled the Verified Accurate Information Labeling (VAIL) Act, will empower a newly formed Office of Fact Authenticity to review all publicly stated facts and determine which ones are real facts and which are "fake facts" — a dangerous new category of information defined loosely as "anything that doesn't make the President sound incredible."

"People are out there saying things like 'the unemployment numbers are X' or 'the temperature was Y degrees,'" Bullhorn told reporters at a briefing where all the clocks had been removed. "And you have to ask yourself — who gave them those numbers? Was it a friend of the President? Probably not. So how do we know they're real?"

How the New System Works

Under the VAIL framework, all facts will now be submitted to a 47-member panel of loyalists, life coaches, and at least one guy who was really good at debate in high school, who will evaluate each fact using a proprietary three-question rubric:

  1. Does this fact make the Supreme Leader look good?
  2. If not, could it be reworded so that it does?
  3. If not, is the person saying it a known hater?

Facts that fail all three criteria will be automatically reclassified as Fake Facts™ and issued a red label, a formal letter of disappointment, and a strongly worded tweet.

"We're not saying facts are bad," Bullhorn clarified. "We love facts. The President has said many of them. Some people are calling them the best facts ever stated by a human being. We're just saying those facts — the ones being spread by the mainstream media, by scientists, and frankly by anybody with a clipboard — those are fake."

Speechwriters Adapt

Inside the White House, speechwriters have reportedly been working around the clock to incorporate the new framework into the President's daily remarks. Early drafts show promising results.

A passage originally reading "According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics..." has been revised to "According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, which is run by deep-state clipboard people..."

A line about hurricane projections now reads: "The storm is going somewhere. Possibly. But the map — and I have a map, a beautiful map, one of the best maps — shows it going somewhere else, which is also fine."

One senior speechwriter, who asked to remain anonymous because he "would very much like to continue having a job and also teeth," said the new guidelines had actually simplified his work considerably.

"Before, I had to worry about accuracy," he said. "Now I just write things that feel true in the room. It's very freeing. It's almost like poetry, if poetry were legally indemnified."

Public Reaction

Reaction from the public has been mixed, which the White House press office noted was itself a fake fact, since "all real Americans are extremely supportive, maybe the most supportive in history."

Several journalists attempted to ask follow-up questions at Monday's briefing, but were informed that follow-up questions are a "known vector for fake facts" and that the briefing had, in fact, already ended — a claim disputed by the continued presence of approximately 40 journalists still sitting in chairs in the room.

"This briefing is over," Bullhorn repeated, gathering his notes.

"It's still happening," said one reporter.

"Fake fact," said Bullhorn.

The White House did not respond to a request for comment, which officials later described as "a very long and detailed response, one of the best responses ever given, totally exonerating."

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