Truthliness News

“Accountability is a hoax,” says movement, unveiling 600 new ways to never be wrong PALM BEACH, FL — In what supporters are calling “a historic victory for personal convenience,” President Donald Trump and the MAGA movement have officially become the undisputed King of All Excuses , a title previously held by the guy who didn’t do the group project because “his dog ate his Wi-Fi.” At a celebratory event held near a golf course (the nation’s most sacred location for avoiding consequences), Trump accepted a ceremonial crown made entirely of laminated grievance statements and freshly minted victimhood coins. “This is the greatest excuse movement in history,” Trump declared. “Nobody makes excuses like we do. The best excuses. Our excuses are so strong they should have borders.” A Movement Built on a Simple Principle: If it’s bad for us, it’s fake. If it’s good for us, it’s destiny. Political analysts say the MAGA movement has perfected what scholars are now calling Selective Reality Theory...

​ By now, the rules are clear. Not written anywhere, of course—just intuitively understood by anyone who spends more than ten minutes on X. When someone is killed by law enforcement, the question is not what happened, what the threat was, or what the law allows. The only question that matters is: Who was the victim politically? Take Ashli Babbitt. For years, a loud faction on X has insisted her death on January 6 was a “cold-blooded murder.” The facts, inconveniently, never seem to matter. Babbitt was inside a restricted area of the U.S. Capitol, attempting to climb through a broken window into a barricaded hallway where members of Congress were being evacuated. An armed officer stood on the other side, gun drawn, repeatedly warning her to stop. She continued forward anyway. In most other contexts, X assures us, this is exactly the sort of situation where police are justified in using deadly force. Clear warnings. A secure location. A perceived imminent threat. An officer pointing...

In the grand digital amphitheater known as X (formerly Twitter) and its many echo chambers, a new political philosophy has officially been codified: if the traffic’s blocked, just motor-murder your way through it — and feel free to post about it with pride. Yes, that includes folks who, until very recently, might have balked at the idea of anyone using lethal force in a peaceful protest… unless, of course, someone waved a camera or socioeconomic grievance in their face. The “Right of Way” Doctrine A certain faction of posters has taken to the interwebs to loudly proclaim that any protester blocking traffic ought to be treated like a pothole on the interstate: flattened, removed, and mourned over coffee later. They argue, with admirable consistency in their outrage, that: Civil disobedience = obstacle Obstacle = hazard Hazard = run it over your civic duty In their view, a protest sign is just a more pretentious version of a traffic cone, which — according to folklore and state law...

WASHINGTON — President Trump escalated tensions with Iran this week by warning the U.S. may attack Tehran if Iranian authorities continue killing protesters, describing the alleged crackdown as “barbaric,” “unthinkable,” and “the kind of thing only bad countries do.” The announcement came just days after a fatal incident in Minneapolis in which an ICE officer shot and killed Renee Good , a woman whose death has sparked widespread protests and intense scrutiny of federal enforcement operations. When asked whether he saw any irony in threatening Iran over protester deaths while his own enforcement agency is at the center of a similar controversy, Trump reportedly stared at the reporter like they had just suggested gravity was a liberal hoax. “There’s a big difference,” Trump explained. “Iran kills protesters wrong. We do it right. We do it the best.” “Iran Protesters Deserve Freedom. Ours Deserve Consequences.” At the press conference, Trump again positioned himself as an international...

In an unexpected twist on America’s protest playbook, thousands of demonstrators outraged by recent Immigration and Customs Enforcement tactics — including the fatal shooting of 37-year-old Renee Good by an ICE agent in Minneapolis — have decided the best way to fight ICE is to be ICE.  Yes, you read that right. Across major cities — from Seattle to Miami — protest organizers marched Friday, shouting “If they mask, we mask! If they brandish, we brandish!” as they embraced a strategy that political analysts are calling “performance art meets legal theory.” A Method to the Madness According to the newly minted National Protesters’ Tactics Handbook (Volume I: “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em… Dress Like ‘Em”) , any group protesting ICE must now: Wear tactical masks — a nod to federal agents’ penchant for anonymity. Open carry firearms where legal — because nothing says peaceful demonstration like walking into a rally with an AR-15 and a sharp sense of irony. Invoke “Stand Your Gr...

At a press conference marked by confidence, déjà vu, and a suspicious lack of charts, President Trump responded to questions about his long-stated promise to be a “peace president” by explaining that the recent U.S. attack on Venezuela did not count as a war because, technically speaking, it was already over and the United States had won. “Very fast. Incredible success,” Trump said. “Honestly, by the time you heard about it, we were already done. That’s peace. That’s what peace looks like now.” When pressed on how the operation squared with his repeated warnings against “forever wars,” the President reassured Americans that there would be no long-term costs because the United States would now, in his words, “run Venezuela,” and do so without spending “a single dime of taxpayer money.” “We’re not paying,” Trump explained. “Venezuela is paying. With oil. Lots of oil. Beautiful oil. Frankly, they should be thanking us.” A reporter gently noted that this sounded familiar—specifically, like...

In a bold new chapter of economic policy that experts are calling “legally adventurous” and “mostly vibes,” President Trump announced Tuesday that Americans could soon receive a “Venezuela Oil Dividend” check, assuming everything goes according to plan, the oil cooperates, and reality agrees to play along. Standing before a giant chart labeled OIL = CHECKS , the President teased that proceeds from a recent, extremely successful, very quiet raid on Venezuela would soon be “shared directly with the people,” much like stimulus checks, except oilier, more patriotic, and somehow already printed with his signature. “It’s a beautiful dividend. Tremendous oil. The best oil,” Trump said, explaining that Venezuela has “so much oil they don’t even miss it,” and that Americans deserve a cut because “we’re the ones who really discovered it by noticing it on a map.” According to administration officials, the proposed checks could range anywhere from $1,200 to “whatever number feels right at the tim...

At a joint press conference this week with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy , U.S. President Donald Trump unveiled a sweeping new theory of international relations, asserting that the Russian invasion of Ukraine would never have occurred if the 2020 U.S. presidential election had not been “stolen from him personally.” “This war,” Trump said, gesturing broadly toward Eastern Europe, “is really about me. Everybody knows it. If I were president, this would not have happened. Putin would have been too scared. Tremendously scared.” Standing beside him, Zelensky maintained a diplomatic expression usually reserved for situations involving translation errors or mild food poisoning. Trump continued, explaining that Russia’s invasion of Ukraine was not the result of decades of post-Cold War tension, NATO expansion debates, or Russian imperial ambition, but rather a direct consequence of Trump not being in the White House at the time. “Putin respects strength,” Trump said. “And by streng...

In an unexpected return to prime-time television, President Donald J. Trump delivered a 28-minute national address Wednesday night designed, according to his staff, to “clear up confusion about the economy.” The resulting speech instead raised questions about whether he had accidentally wandered onto the soundstage during a pharmaceutical infomercial. “Ladies and gentlemen, the American economy is the strongest, the bigliest, the most incredible it has ever been,” Trump announced, gripping the lectern as if it had personally wronged him. “If you can’t see that, well… maybe you’re just not very smart. Not everyone can be smart. I’m very smart. But most of you, frankly? Not so much.” Economic experts, who had spent the previous week offering cautious optimism mixed with concern about rising costs, were surprised to learn that the entire issue was simply a matter of insufficient national intelligence. “Normally we talk about inflation, interest rates, employment trends,” said economist Da...

An Advice Column for Those Who Have Made… Choices*** Dear Mall Madness, So I work(ed) at a CinnaBun in a perfectly average mall in Wisconsin—fluorescent lights, sticky floors, teenagers pretending not to stare at each other—you know, the classics. Anyway, the other day a customer ordered a Classic Roll, and somehow this activated something in me that turned the entire food court into a cable news panel. I went on a rant about “how Muslims shouldn’t be in America,” even though (1) this had nothing to do with pastries and (2) I have never once left the state of Wisconsin except for a school trip to the Dells. Then—because apparently I decided that Wrong Choices should come in combo meals—I hurled a racist insult at the woman. Yes, that word. The one that should never exist outside history books and documentaries narrated by Morgan Freeman. Shocking absolutely no one except myself at the time, another customer filmed the meltdown. TikTok got involved. It went viral faster than free sam...