“Accountability is a hoax,” says movement, unveiling 600 new ways to never be wrong
PALM BEACH, FL — In what supporters are calling “a historic victory for personal convenience,” President Donald Trump and the MAGA movement have officially become the undisputed King of All Excuses, a title previously held by the guy who didn’t do the group project because “his dog ate his Wi-Fi.”
At a celebratory event held near a golf course (the nation’s most sacred location for avoiding consequences), Trump accepted a ceremonial crown made entirely of laminated grievance statements and freshly minted victimhood coins.
“This is the greatest excuse movement in history,” Trump declared. “Nobody makes excuses like we do. The best excuses. Our excuses are so strong they should have borders.”
A Movement Built on a Simple Principle:
If it’s bad for us, it’s fake. If it’s good for us, it’s destiny.
Political analysts say the MAGA movement has perfected what scholars are now calling Selective Reality Theory, the belief that the world should function like a group chat where you can delete anything inconvenient and block accountability.
To help the public understand the movement’s operating system, MAGA leaders released an official guide: “Excuses: The New Constitution (Pocket Edition)”, which includes a pull-out flowchart labeled:
DID IT MAKE US LOOK BAD?
✅ YES → It’s Rigged / Weaponized / Woke / Fake / Antifa
❌ NO → It’s Freedom / Patriots / God / The Silent Majority
Election Results: A Choose-Your-Own Reality Adventure
According to movement doctrine, elections now have only two possible outcomes:
If MAGA wins:
“The people have spoken. The system works. Democracy is beautiful.”If MAGA loses:
“It was rigged. There were suitcases. Dead people voted. The machines were Venezuelan. The paper was too papery.”
One MAGA spokesperson clarified that, to avoid confusion, elections will now be referred to as “Pre-rigged, Unless We Win.”
The movement has also advanced a groundbreaking theory about illegal voting:
illegal immigrants vote in large numbers, exclusively for Democrats, and also somehow remain invisible to every investigator, camera, recount, audit, and documented shred of evidence.
“It’s the perfect crime,” said one supporter. “That’s how you know it’s happening.”
Criminal Charges: “The Weaponization of the Justice System”
For decades, Americans believed being investigated for a crime meant you might have done something illegal. MAGA has heroically shattered this outdated thinking.
Under the new framework:
Any investigation into Trump is political persecution
Any conviction is the Deep State
Any evidence is fabricated
Any witness is a traitor
Any judge is biased
Any jury is corrupt
Any law is unconstitutional
Any accountability is Marxism
Legal experts say it’s an impressive innovation, especially considering Trump-appointed judges are also included in the category of “corrupt” when needed.
“This isn’t about the law,” Trump explained. “This is about me being treated unfairly, which is illegal.”
Journalism: Asking Questions is Now a Hate Crime
At the same event, Trump also unveiled a new press policy known as “No Questions, Only Claps.”
“Some reporters ask ‘tough questions,’” Trump said. “Very unfair. Very nasty. Political agenda. You can tell because their questions contain words like why and how.”
Under the new MAGA press standards:
If a reporter asks a hard question:
“Political agenda.”If a reporter asks a neutral question:
“Political agenda, but sneakier.”If a reporter asks an easy question:
“Finally, real journalism.”If a reporter asks no question and just compliments Trump’s hair:
“Pulitzer Prize.”
One journalist attempted to ask about policy details but was quickly removed for “attempted fact.”
The Persecution Olympics
Experts say MAGA has also pioneered a powerful rhetorical technique: always being the victim, even while dominating the conversation, controlling the stage, and fundraising off the outrage in real time.
“It’s incredible,” said one political scientist. “They’ve built a system where being criticized is oppression, being challenged is tyranny, and being held responsible is dictatorship.”
The movement has even proposed a new national holiday, Victimhood Day, in which supporters gather to commemorate the darkest moment in American history:
the time someone disagreed with them.
The All-Purpose Excuse Toolkit
At the rally, MAGA leaders announced a new subscription service: Excuse+, featuring daily updates and automatic blame assignments.
Subscribers receive:
3 preloaded scapegoats per week
unlimited “rigged” declarations
emergency “deep state” alerts
bonus “woke” accusations for holidays
Popular add-ons include:
The “Biden Did It” Bundle
The “Obama Behind the Curtain” Deluxe Pack
The “George Soros Controlled My GPS” Premium Tier
Final Thoughts: Nothing is Ever Our Fault, and That’s Freedom
Closing the event, Trump returned to the podium to deliver the movement’s core message.
“Remember,” he said. “If something goes wrong, it’s not your fault. It’s never your fault. It’s someone else’s fault. That’s what makes America great.”
Supporters erupted into chants of:
“NOT GUILTY!”
“NOT OUR FAULT!”
“RIGGED!”
“WITCH HUNT!”
“BUT HER EMAILS!”
As attendees filed out, many reported feeling uplifted, reassured, and completely immune to introspection.
“It’s just nice,” said one supporter. “I used to have to process disappointment like an adult. Now I just scream ‘weaponization’ and buy another hat.”
At press time, Trump was reportedly preparing to launch his next major initiative:
a full constitutional amendment replacing “checks and balances” with “excuses and vibes.”
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