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Elon Musk Sobs on Fox News: "I Thought Democrats Were Nice, But They Keep Keying Teslas"

 Elon Musk Sobs on Fox News: "I Thought Democrats Were Nice, But They Keep Keying Teslas"

Washington, D.C. — In a deeply emotional and totally unscripted appearance on Fox News, Elon Musk—now serving as a special government employee in President Trump's White House—broke down in tears, revealing that he used to believe Democrats were kind, empathetic people—until he saw a Tesla dealership get vandalized.

"I thought they were about love and tolerance," Musk sniffled, dabbing at his tear-streaked cheeks with a Tesla-branded microfiber cloth. "But now, after seeing what they've done to my cars, I know the truth: Leftists are hate-filled, horrible human beings."

Vandalism: The Great Awakening

According to Musk, his political transformation happened after a sudden rash of Tesla dealership vandalism, in which several cars were reportedly:

  • Keyed with the words "Eat the Rich"
  • Defaced with Bernie Sanders bumper stickers
  • Spray-painted to look like gas-powered vehicles
  • Reprogrammed to blast NPR at full volume when started

"These people talk about saving the environment, and yet they're out here scratching up my beautiful, perfectly designed vehicles?" Musk ranted, still visibly shaken. "Does that sound like empathy to you, Sean?" he asked Fox News host Sean Hannity, who was nodding solemnly like a man who had just been personally victimized by an EV.

"They Were Supposed to Like Me"

What seems to hurt Musk the most is not the damage to his multi-billion-dollar empire, but the damage to his feelings.

"I thought we were friends, okay? I made electric cars. I saved the planet. I said I liked science." Musk whimpered, eyes red and puffy. "I literally hung out with Joe Rogan and smoked weed. I thought that was the universal sign of being a cool guy!"

At this point, Fox News cameras zoomed in on a single tear dramatically rolling down Musk's face, later confirmed to be 100% sourced from his own free-range emotions.

A Swift Political Transformation

Musk, who previously identified as "politically neutral but misunderstood," now says he has seen the light.

"I'm done with them. I'm done! I thought leftists were all about peace and equality, but turns out they're just violent Tesla-hating thugs. From now on, I stand with the party of freedom, low taxes, and fossil fuels."

In a dramatic act of protest, Musk announced that all new Tesla models would now include a feature that makes them "loud as hell" to upset environmentalists.

"Every Model S will now roar like a Ford F-350 and smell like diesel exhaust—just to make these people suffer."

Meanwhile, Republicans across the country rejoiced, welcoming Musk with open arms and exclusive deals on coal-powered Cybertrucks.

  • Marjorie Taylor Greene immediately declared Musk "a true American patriot."
  • Ron DeSantis issued an executive order banning windshields on all gas-powered vehicles to "level the playing field" for Tesla.
  • Donald Trump called Musk to offer him an honorary Mar-a-Lago golf membership, declaring, "Elon, I always knew you were one of us. Welcome home."

Twitter/X Reacts: "This Man is the Main Character Every Day"

As expected, social media erupted in response to Musk's Fox News meltdown.

  • Liberals mocked Musk for acting like "the first billionaire in history to experience a mild inconvenience."
  • Elon's own fanboys were confused, unsure whether to keep supporting him or start accusing him of being "controlled opposition."

What’s Next for Musk?

With his political shift now complete, Musk is reportedly planning to:

  • Launch "MAGA Mode" in Teslas, which plays Kid Rock when the windows are rolled down
  • Only allow Tesla charging stations in Republican-controlled states
  • Ban anyone wearing a Bernie t-shirt from using Autopilot

At press time, Musk was seen furiously tweeting at AOC, daring her to "key one of my cars to my face, coward."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real-life events is purely coincidental—unless, of course, Musk actually starts crying about Teslas on Fox News, in which case… we told you so.

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