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Trump Declares Auto Tariffs Are a Genius Green Policy: “If Cars Cost More, People Will Walk. You’re Welcome, Planet.”

March 27, 2025 — Mar-a-Lago, FL

In a stunning twist that has economists facepalming and environmentalists reluctantly Googling “carbon emissions from smugness,” former President Donald J. Trump announced that his sky-high auto tariffs are actually part of a bold environmental initiative.

In a 4 a.m. Truth Social post, Trump proclaimed:

“MY CAR TARIFFS = THE MOST EFFECTIVE CLIMATE POLICY IN HISTORY. MORE THAN THE GREEN NEW DISASTER. IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD A CAR, YOU WALK. WALKING = ZERO EMISSIONS. I’M BASICALLY GRETA THUNBERG WITH A JET.”

The revelation came after weeks of speculation over why Trump had slapped a 60% tariff on all imported vehicles, including electric ones, collectible toy cars, and suspiciously French-looking scooters. While critics assumed it was part of a broader economic war on globalism or a result of thinking Germany is still part of the Soviet Union, Trump insisted the policy had been strategically environmental all along.

“The Trump Green Deal”: One Step at a Time

Standing in front of a Tesla he’d retrofitted with a gas generator, Trump outlined what he called “The Trump Green Deal,” which he insisted is “WAY better than that thing AOC did—hers has pages, mine has action.”

Key features of the Trump Green Deal include:

  • Walking More Because Cars Are Too Expensive™
    “You want people out of cars? Just make the cars cost $100,000. Boom. Climate fixed.”

  • Luxury Bike Lane Construction for the Wealthy
    Only available in golf resorts and gated communities. Helmet optional if you're over 70 and financially invincible.

  • Coal-Powered Electric Car Charging Stations
    “The best of both worlds,” Trump said, adding, “You get the electric image with the beautiful, clean American coal.”

Environmentalists: “...Wait, What?”

Reactions from environmental groups ranged from stunned silence to nervous laughter.

“I… I don’t even know what to do with this,” said Sierra Club spokesperson Julia Windham. “I mean, yes, walking is good for emissions, but not if it’s caused by economic collapse and despair. That’s not really what we meant by a green transition.”

Greta Thunberg, reached for comment, simply blinked and said, “I hate that he has a point. I’m going to lie down.”

Wall Street in Cardio Shock

The auto industry, however, is less enthused. Shares of Ford, GM, and “Whatever Chrysler Is Called Now” nosedived following Trump’s declaration that cars are “a phase we’re moving past” and that “feet are the future.”

Dealerships across the country reported massive walkouts—literally—as buyers discovered price tags that included a “Trump Tariff Sustainability Fee.”

One frustrated car salesman in Michigan said, “We tried to tell customers it was patriotic. They just Ubered home.”

Trump: “I’m the Original Climate Hero”

In a follow-up livestream from a golf cart, Trump told supporters:

“People don’t give me credit, but I’ve always been about the environment. I created the cleanest air—some say it was TOO clean. And now? Now I’ve single-handedly reduced emissions by making cars unaffordable. Not even Joe Biden can do that!”

He then paused to honk the golf cart horn at a squirrel and said, “That’s environmental policy in action.”

Coming Soon: “TrumpFeet™”

Insiders report that Trump is also launching a branded walking shoe line—TrumpFeet™—featuring gold soles and a built-in speaker that plays “Eye of the Tiger” at every step.

“Every great movement needs a movement,” Trump said. “And this one? It’s powered by your feet. Just like our forefathers. And probably Jesus.”

Final Thought: More Miles, Fewer Emissions, Unlimited Delusion

Whether you view Trump’s tariff plan as economic sabotage or eco-enlightenment, one thing’s certain: America is on the move. Mostly because it can’t afford to sit still in a 4-cylinder.

As one protester at a D.C. dealership put it, holding a sign that read “MAKE LEGS GREAT AGAIN,”

“We wanted clean energy. We got poverty-powered cardio. Thanks, I guess?”

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