Trump Disbands the Department of Education: “Education Does Us No Good. Look at Me—My Daddy Paid for My Grades, and I Turned Out Alright.”

 By President Donald J. Trump

Folks, let’s talk about something we don’t need anymore—education. That’s right, I said it. It’s bad, folks. Very bad. Waste of time. Waste of money. That’s why, as your President (again, I know, amazing), I am officially disbanding the Department of Education. Boom—gone.

You’re welcome, America.

Now, some people (the losers) will say, “But Mr. President, education is important! How will people learn?” Let me tell you—education does us no good. And I should know, because I turned out amazing without ever needing to learn a single thing.

Education: A Scam for the Poors

Here’s the truth, folks: school is a scam. It’s a racket, a big business run by woke math teachers and radical librarians who hate America. I mean, come on—why are we teaching kids history? What do they need history for? I make my own history every day!

Look at me—I went to school, but did I actually learn anything? No! And I still became a billionaire, a TV star, and the greatest President since Lincoln (probably better). You know what my secret was? My daddy paid for my grades! That’s the American Dream, folks. If you have money, you win. If you don’t, well, maybe you should have picked richer parents.

Degrees Are for Nerds

I’ve met so many people with degrees, and let me tell you, folks—they’re the dumbest people I’ve ever seen. Doctors? Boring. Scientists? A disaster. Economists? Can’t even predict recessions right! What’s the point?

Meanwhile, the real geniuses of this country? The businessmen! The guys who never went to class, but still got an A because their fathers built a library. Those are the real winners. You don’t see Mark Zuckerberg reading Shakespeare, do you? No! He’s making billions and stealing elections (allegedly).

My Plan: A Beautiful, Education-Free America

With the Department of Education gone, we’re going back to the good old days—before all this “thinking” nonsense ruined the country.

Here’s my perfect plan for education in Trump’s America:

✔️ No more public schools—if your parents love you, they’ll just hire a tutor like mine did (or at least pay the principal to let you slide).
✔️ No more colleges—except Trump University, which, by the way, was totally unfairly shut down.
✔️ Kids learn what really matters: How to build a brand, avoid taxes, and get a prenup before the third wife.
✔️ Spelling tests? Gone. Why? Because nobody needs spelling when you have autocorrect.

Liberals Will Cry, But That’s Okay

Now, I already know what the radical leftists will say:

❌ "But Mr. President, how will we get doctors?" Answer: Simple. We just find people who like cutting things and tell them to figure it out.
❌ "What about engineers?" Answer: We already have bridges, folks. Relax.
❌ "Who will teach our children?" Answer: Let them learn the way I did—watching TV and hiring lawyers.

America Was Built on Common Sense, Not Books

Look, folks, at the end of the day, America didn’t win two World Wars because of algebra. We won because we had guts, instincts, and a really good deal on oil.

So let’s stop wasting money on school, teachers, and “learning”—and start putting America back on the right path. A beautiful, bigly, education-free path.

And if anyone asks why kids can’t read anymore, just tell them:

“They don’t need to read when they can watch Fox News.”

God Bless America,
President Donald J. Trump

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real-life events is purely coincidental—unless, of course, Trump actually does this, in which case… we told you so.