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Trump Orders Obama Portrait Removed from White House, Cites “DEI Election” and Demands ICE Investigation into “Probable Kenyan Situation”

 March 24, 2025 — Washington, D.C.

In a stunning return to his favorite pastimes — erasing Obama’s legacy and playing immigration detective — President Donald J. Trump  announced today that Barack Obama’s portrait will be removed from the White House “effective immediately, or sooner.”

“This is a house for real presidents, not Affirmative Action success stories,” Trump declared from the newly re-carpeted Gold Room, now decorated entirely in red velvet and gold-plated inspirational quotes from The Art of the Deal. “Everyone knows Obama only got elected because of DEI — Diversity, Equity, and Illegitimacy.”

The Portrait Purge

Trump claimed Obama’s official portrait, which currently hangs in the White House, is “lowering morale, confusing the interns, and emitting suspicious Kenyan vibes.” The order, issued via a Truth Social post typed in all caps at 3:14 a.m., stated:

“OBAMA’S PORTRAIT IS A FRAUD! JUST LIKE HIS BIRTH CERTIFICATE!!! REMOVE IT IMMEDIATELY AND REPLACE IT WITH SOMETHING CLASSY. MAYBE A LIFE-SIZE MIRROR OR A PAINTING OF ME WRESTLING A BALD EAGLE!!”

Staffers initially assumed the post was a joke, or another episode of Ambien-fueled executive doodling. But by mid-morning, a team of Secret Service agents had quietly lowered the portrait and wheeled it into a storage closet labeled “Evidence.”

ICE Investigation: “Operation Birth Certificate 2.0”

Not satisfied with just a portrait purge, Trump also announced he had “personally directed” ICE to launch a “very strong, very powerful” investigation into Obama’s citizenship status.

“I’ve always said he was born in Kenya. Everyone knows it. I mean, look at the name. Barack Hussein Obama. Come on. It screams deportation,” Trump told a group of highly confused but clapping Mar-a-Lago members. “I think we can still get him. Retroactive deportation is a thing now. I made it a thing.”

ICE released a statement clarifying that it was “unclear whether the agency has the authority to deport former presidents,” especially ones who were born in Hawaii and served two terms already. But Trump insisted that “double jeopardy doesn’t apply when you’re born overseas, or when you golf better than the current president.”

Replacement Portraits Already Commissioned

According to unnamed White House janitors, Trump has already commissioned a replacement portrait, rumored to be a 12-foot oil painting of himself standing on the wreckage of Obamacare, shirtless, while Melania — painted at half-scale — offers him a Diet Coke from a gold tray.

Another proposed option is a hologram that plays a loop of Trump saying “I told you so!” in 5.1 surround sound whenever anyone walks by.

Obama Responds with Characteristic Chill

Former President Obama, when reached for comment at his office in D.C., simply raised an eyebrow and said, “I don’t really have time to worry about Donald’s feelings. I’m too busy being on actual currency someday.”

When asked about the ICE investigation, Obama replied, “Well, if they want to check out Kenya, I’d recommend they try the giraffe sanctuary in Nairobi. Lovely place.”

Conclusion: A New Era of Presidential Art Criticism

While the rest of the country grapples with crumbling infrastructure and AI that can’t stop writing memoirs, Trump remains laser-focused on what truly matters: personal grudges and the strategic redecorating of federal property.

As he said during his impromptu “Press Briefing and Meatloaf Tasting” this morning:

“We’re not erasing history — we’re editing it. Big difference. And frankly, I look better in every frame.”

America awaits to see what other changes he’ll make to the White House collection. Rumors swirl that Lincoln’s bust may soon be replaced by a commemorative coin of Trump and Kid Rock arm wrestling on a jet ski.

History, as always, watches in disbelief.

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