Trump Pushes to Replace Immigrant Labor with American Children: “They’re Small, They’re Cheap, and They Don’t Have Green Cards”

 Washington, D.C. — In a bold policy pivot that no one asked for but somehow everyone expected, President Donald J. Trump announced this week that his plan to abolish the Department of Education wasn’t just about eliminating “woke algebra”—it’s actually part of a broader initiative to replace cheap immigrant labor with good, old-fashioned American child labor.

“Look, folks, it’s very simple, very efficient—very patriotic,” Trump told a cheering crowd at a rally in rural Indiana, held in front of a shuttered elementary school and a functioning chicken processing plant. “Why are we bringing in immigrants to do jobs when we’ve got millions of kids just sitting around playing Minecraft? Put those little hands to work! They’re very dexterous. Tremendous little hands.”

A “Jobs for Tykes” Plan to Save the Economy

The new policy, titled “Little Hands, Big Profits: Putting America’s Children Back to Work,” outlines Trump’s plan to simultaneously boost the economy, cut immigration, and "teach kids real life skills, like roofing and meatpacking.”

Key features of the plan include:
✔️ Mandatory work-study programs starting at age 6
✔️ School buses retrofitted as mobile factory floors
✔️ Replacing recess with forklift certification training
✔️ Children paid in McDonald’s gift cards and Trump Bucks™

“Children don’t unionize, they don’t complain, and they’re short enough to crawl into machinery to fix it when it jams. It’s a win-win-win!” said new Labor Secretary Kid Rock, who was appointed after Trump watched him operate a leaf blower “with passion.”

Why Eliminate the Department of Education? Simple: School Gets in the Way of Work

Trump made headlines earlier this month when he proudly disbanded the Department of Education, declaring, “Education does us no good. Look at me—my daddy paid for my grades and I turned out alright.”

Now, we know why: classrooms are a direct threat to the factory floor.

“You can’t build a strong economy if half your workforce is stuck in social studies,” explained Vice President J.D. Vance. “Besides, what’s more educational than working a 12-hour shift in a poultry plant? That’s hands-on learning, baby.”

When asked whether this might resemble the Victorian-era child labor Trump once referred to as “the golden age of capitalism,” administration officials shrugged.

“We’re just bringing back American tradition,” said press secretary Tucker Carlson. “Also, kids love conveyor belts. It’s like Roblox but real.”

Children Speak Out: “We Just Wanted to Go to Recess”

Reaction from America’s children has been mixed, though many report being “extremely tired” and “confused why they’re suddenly on payroll.”

“I was doing my ABCs,” said 7-year-old Timmy Jenkins of Kentucky. “Now I’m doing inventory for a pork distributor.”

Others were more optimistic. “They let me use a power drill!” exclaimed 9-year-old Lily Gomez. “I’m not sure what OSHA is, but they said it was fake news.”

Liberals Outraged, MAGA Base Ecstatic

Democrats, predictably, are furious.

“This is dystopian. This is Dickensian. This is dangerous,” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, while trying to rescue a group of fourth graders from a roofing crew in suburban Ohio.

But Trump’s base is thrilled.

“About time someone put those lazy 8-year-olds to work,” said a man in a “No Crayons, Just Capitalism” t-shirt. “If they can TikTok, they can tile a floor.”

What’s Next? Child CEOs and Toddler Truck Drivers?

Insiders say Trump is already drafting legislation that would allow children to take on corporate internships at the age of 10, and is toying with the idea of launching a new reality show: America’s Next Top Child Laborer to promote the initiative.

At press time, President Trump was spotted high-fiving a group of third graders installing drywall in a Mar-a-Lago guest suite, declaring, “They’re doing better work than my adult contractors—and way cheaper! America First!”

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real-life events is purely coincidental—unless, of course, we suddenly start handing out hard hats at kindergarten graduation, in which case… we told you so.