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PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency.

The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump”, follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump.

“Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.”

When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers, White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statistician, economist, or barista—who spreads disinformation, by which I mean facts that do not bathe the President in golden light, will be offered a choice: self-deportation or a one way flight to Gitmo.”

"Good Numbers Are Real. Bad Numbers Are Treason."

The decree outlines two clear categories of data:

  1. “Beautiful Truths” – Any data that reflects positively on President Trump. These include Trump’s self-reported approval rating of 146%, GDP figures calculated by counting each Trump Hotel mint as $1 million, and job growth metrics based on the number of campaign signs printed in Iowa.

  2. “Democratically Manipulated Bullshit” – All other data. This includes:

    • Any poll showing Trump not ready to win a third term.

    • Climate change models not sponsored by ExxonMobil.

    • CDC statistics suggesting bleach is not a cure-all.

Trump’s personal attorney and newly minted Secretary of Facts, Rudy Giuliani (now broadcasting exclusively from an undisclosed hair dye facility), praised the move as “a constitutional slam dunk.”

“Truth is now officially Trump-shaped,” Giuliani said, pointing to a bar graph shaped like a thumbs-up with golden hair.

Deportation of Dissenters Begins at Noon

In a historic first, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) has been temporarily repurposed as the “Information Correction Enforcement” agency. Their first target: the entire editorial board of The Economist, who reportedly published an article titled “Trump’s Trade War Isn’t Working.”

“We have them surrounded in a Starbucks,” said ICE Director Marjorie Taylor Greene. “They tried to order cappuccinos and neutrality. Sad!”

Greene also confirmed that economists caught using "non-patriotic math" (i.e., division, fractions, or percentages under 100%) will be offered re-education at Trump University’s School of Alternative Arithmetic.

The Trump Doctrine: “If It Helps Me, It’s Real.”

In the decree’s footnotes—coincidentally plagiarized from a North Korean press release—Trump clarified his broader philosophical stance:

“Reality is a scam. My reality is the only real reality. Everything else is fake, probably Chinese. Or NPR.”

Political analysts warn the decree could spark legal challenges, especially after Trump threatened to deport Supreme Court justices if they "don’t start thinking more positively."

Still, supporters remain unfazed.

“President Trump is like Jesus with better hair,” said one rally-goer in Florida. “He doesn’t need facts. Facts need him.”

The President concluded the day’s briefing with his signature humility:

“I’ve fixed truth. You’re welcome.”

Correction: A previous version of this article incorrectly cited the national debt at $39 trillion. The new official number, per White House sources, is “zero—if you ignore the fake parts.”

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