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Trump Slaps Apple with 200% Tax for Ignoring His Anti-DEI Crusade, Threatens to Deport Costco Members

 Washington, D.C. — In his latest bid to mold corporate America into his personal fan club, President Donald J. Trump has announced a 200% tax on Apple for refusing to abandon Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) programs. But the crackdown doesn’t stop there—he’s also threatening to deport Costco members if the warehouse giant doesn’t fall in line.

“DEI is a disaster, folks—a total disaster!” Trump declared during a surprise press conference held outside a Mar-a-Lago golf cart charging station. “Apple, they don’t get it. They want diversity? Fine. I’ll give them diversity—diversely high taxes! Tim Cook, you’re gonna learn real fast that it’s MAGA or nothing!”

Apple: “This Is Insane”

Apple executives, already reeling from supply chain issues and lawsuits, were reportedly blindsided by the tax, which would triple the cost of iPhones overnight.

“We were already selling $1,500 phones, and now they want us to charge $4,500?!” a panicked Apple spokesperson said, frantically refreshing their stock ticker. “We love America, but at this rate, we might have to start making flip phones just to survive.”

Trump, however, was unsympathetic. “Apple doesn’t want to be loyal to America? Sad! They’ll pay the price. Literally! I might even force them to bring back the headphone jack—nobody likes these AirPods, folks.”

Costco Members at Risk of Deportation

While Apple executives scramble for answers, another group faces Trump’s wrath: Costco members.

“They’re up to something, folks. They have ID cards for their little club, they move in packs, and worst of all? They support DEI. Very suspicious! Almost like—illegals!” Trump proclaimed.

As a result, Trump has threatened to revoke the citizenship of any Costco member who refuses to denounce DEI and switch their membership to Sam’s Club.

“I always said, Costco is for the radical left,” he continued. “They give out free samples—that’s socialism, folks! I like Sam’s Club because you gotta earn it. Pay for your giant bag of frozen steaks like a real American.”

Backlash and Confusion

The announcement has left millions of Costco members terrified of impending deportation. Many are reportedly burning their Kirkland-brand sweatpants in an effort to avoid suspicion.

“I’ve been a Costco member for 15 years—does this mean I have to self-deport?” asked Nancy Ramirez, a suburban mom from Arizona. “I just wanted a good deal on bulk toilet paper. I didn’t know I was committing treason.”

Meanwhile, legal scholars are debating whether Trump actually has the power to deport U.S. citizens over a warehouse club membership.

“This is…not how immigration law works,” said constitutional law professor Dr. Lydia Stern. “But at this point, who’s going to stop him? The man is threatening to tax Apple into the Stone Age.”

Elon Musk Weighs In

The only major corporate figure who appears unbothered by the chaos is Elon Musk, who quickly took to X (formerly Twitter) to endorse the move.

“I fully support punishing woke companies like Apple,” Musk posted. “Also, thinking of starting MAGA Warehouse™—only real Americans allowed. NO free samples. Just $8 hot dogs and freedom.”

What’s Next?

While Costco members frantically shred their loyalty cards and Apple’s legal team races to stop the tax hike, Trump remains undeterred. Insiders say he is already considering a new policy to replace the App Store with a “Trump Store” that only allows Truth Social and Candy Crush downloads.

Asked whether he’s concerned about alienating major American companies, Trump simply shrugged.

“America loves me. Apple will cave. Costco will cave. And if they don’t?” He grinned. “*Maybe we tax iPhones at 500% and replace Costco with a new store: TRUMP WHOLESALE. The greatest bulk shopping experience. No woke nonsense—just big carts, big steaks, and even bigger tariffs.”

At press time, Apple stock was plummeting, Sam’s Club memberships were skyrocketing, and millions of confused Costco shoppers were Googling ‘fastest way to renounce citizenship.’

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real-life events is purely coincidental—unless, of course, it actually happens.

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