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Trump Unveils Bold Plan to Save Social Security by Gutting Health Department: “If You Die Before 67, We Win"

“It’s tremendous math. Beautiful death math.”

Mar-a-Lago, FL — In a surprise press conference held from his gold-plated golf cart, former President Donald J. Trump announced a “tremendously smart” plan to save Social Security—by gutting the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS).

“People keep asking, ‘Mr. Trump, how are you going to save Social Security?’” he said, motioning vaguely at the sky. “And I tell them: it’s very simple, folks. Very simple. If people don’t live long enough to collect it, then we don’t have to pay it. It’s called strategy.”

Trump then detailed his new initiative, dubbed Operation Early Exit, which includes massive cuts to Medicaid, mental health programs, disease prevention, and anything that might accidentally help Americans live past retirement age.

“Some say it’s cruel. Some say it’s genius. I say—it’s both. It’s cruelly genius,” Trump said, pausing for applause that wasn’t there.

According to Trump, the plan is rooted in what he called “Trump-calculus,” a bold new economic theory based on the idea that death is cheaper than healthcare.

“Do you know how expensive old people are? So expensive. Diapers, walkers, social security checks. It’s a total disaster,” he said. “But if we just cut a little funding here, remove a few vaccines there—poof, the problem solves itself.”

He also took time to slam former President Joe Biden’s approach. “Sleepy Joe wants people to live longer. Can you believe that? That’s why Social Security is dying—because people aren’t.”

Critics from both sides of the aisle expressed horror at the announcement. But Trump insisted that Americans would love the plan once they understood the benefits.

“You won’t have to worry about retirement,” he promised. “Because you won’t get there. That’s less stress. And stress is bad for your health. So technically, I’m helping.”

When a reporter asked if this was essentially a plan to make Americans die younger, Trump smiled and said, “It’s not dying. It’s patriotic budgeting.”

He then signed an executive order in Sharpie labeled “BYE-BYE HHS” and offered guests a commemorative golf towel printed with the slogan: “Make America Die Just a Bit Sooner.”

Analysts predict that if fully implemented, the plan could extend Social Security’s solvency well into the future—assuming there’s anyone left alive to collect it.

At press time, Trump was seen asking aides whether “we can trademark the word ‘euthanomics.’”

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