Skip to main content

BREAKING: Mexico Finally Pays for Trump’s Border Wall—Through Tacos, Wire Transfers, and Passive-Aggressive Tourism Ads

March 28, 2025 — Somewhere Along a Mostly Imaginary Wall

After nearly a decade of promises, chants, and repeated threats to declare “reverse bankruptcy,” former President Donald J. Trump triumphantly announced that Mexico has in fact paid for the border wall—just not in the way anyone expected, or with any measurable form of consent.

Standing in front of a 3-foot-tall chain-link fence spray-painted gold, Trump declared victory:

“I said they’d pay for the wall. The fake news said it was impossible. But guess what? We got ‘em. They’re paying in so many ways—indirectly, spiritually, emotionally. Maybe even metaphysically. You’re welcome, America.”

Here’s a breakdown of how Mexico is paying, according to Trump’s new book, "The Art of the Wall (Vol. 2: Mission Accomplished-ish)":

1. Taco Tax™

Trump claimed that every taco sold in America now includes a “Freedom Salsa Surcharge” of 50 cents, which is deposited into a fund called the Wall Infrastructure Trust & Burrito Enforcement Reserve (W.I.T.B.E.R.).

“It’s brilliant,” Trump said. “People love tacos. They eat the wall one bite at a time. It’s delicious, patriotic, and mildly spicy.”

Unfortunately, the surcharge only applies at Trump-branded taco stands, which currently exist only in Tulsa and one failed casino.

2. Wire Transfers from Cousins Named Juan

Trump unveiled a bold new economic theory: Remittances = Wall Money.

“Millions of dollars are sent from hardworking Mexicans in America to their families in Mexico,” Trump explained. “That money could have gone to Fortnite skins or MAGA hats, but instead it crosses the border. So that’s payment. It's like a reverse Venmo for nationalism.”

When asked if that meant Mexicans in the U.S. are actually paying Americans by sending money out, Trump blinked twice and yelled “Fake math!”

3. Passive-Aggressive Tourism Campaigns

According to Trump, the real wall funding came from Mexico’s national tourism board running ads that subtly insult American cities:

  • “Visit Mexico: Fewer Guns Than Texas!”

  • “No Floridians, We Promise!”

  • “Mexico: Now With 100% Less Ted Cruz!”

“They spent millions on these ads,” Trump beamed. “That’s basically a wall payment. Because if they make themselves look better, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Please don’t come over here and mess it up.’ See? Genius.”

Mexico’s tourism office responded with a single-word statement: “¿Qué?”


4. Emotional Toll Payments

According to Trump, even if Mexico hasn’t technically paid cash, they’ve “paid in dignity” by having to listen to him claim victory 400 times.

“They laughed at me,” Trump said, wiping a single tear of self-admiration. “They said, ‘No way.’ But now, Mexico is exhausted. They're paying in stress. They're paying in global eye-rolls. And frankly, that’s better than pesos.”

Experts: “This Is… Not a Thing”

Economists, international relations scholars, and people with functioning calculators were quick to point out that none of these mechanisms amount to Mexico actually paying for the wall. One professor simply held up a graph, pointed to zero, and whispered, “This is where the money is.”

Mexico’s president declined to comment but reportedly laughed for 13 minutes straight in a press conference before walking offstage to the sound of mariachi music and a muted “Gringo, por favor…”

Conclusion: Technically Paid, Spiritually Confused

In summary, Trump insists that the wall was paid for "in spirit, in theory, and in several Taco Bell receipts." Whether or not anything was built is beside the point.

“The wall is real,” Trump concluded. “It’s in our hearts. It’s in our minds. It’s in the imaginary invoice we sent to Mexico—and folks, they signed it. I can’t show you. It’s classified. But they signed it. Bigly.”

Coming next week: Trump demands Canada pay for our mental health crisis.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more