Skip to main content

Flashback: Trump Promised to “Self-Finance, Work for Free, and Lose $10 Billion”—Reporter Discovers He Did Literally None of That

March 27, 2025 — Palm Beach, FL & Alternate Reality, USA

In a stunning retrospective that will surprise absolutely no one who’s ever read a checkbook or witnessed a grift, a new investigative report has confirmed that nearly every promise Donald J. Trump made about money and public service was about as real as his net worth—or his tan.

During his 2016 campaign, Trump repeatedly assured the American public that he would:

  1. Self-finance his campaign

  2. Refuse the presidential salary

  3. Lose “maybe $10 billion” because of how devoted he was to America

Now, nearly a decade later, we can confidently report that Trump:

  • Did not self-finance anything

  • Cashed every government check with the speed of a hungry raccoon

  • And somehow made money off being president while telling everyone he was bleeding cash

“I’m so rich, I’ll pay for it all!” — Trump, 2015

In early campaign speeches, Trump boasted:

“I’m really rich. I don’t need donors. I’ll pay for my own campaign. Totally self-funded. Maybe the first in history. I’ll even pay in cash—gold cash.”

Turns out, only about $66 million of his campaign funds came from Trump personally—most of it loans, some later reimbursed by donors. The rest? From your standard cocktail of super PACs, hat-passing, and possibly your aunt Karen who bought a “Make America Bake Again” apron.

Meanwhile, vendors across America reported late payments and lawsuits for unpaid bills. Trump’s self-funding, it seems, was as real as his bone spurs.

“I won’t take a salary!” — Also Trump

To great applause, Trump declared he would not accept the presidential salary of $400,000 per year.

“I don’t want it. I don’t need it. I’ll give it back. I’ll probably donate it to veterans or something,” he said, while saluting himself.

And to be fair—yes, technically he didn’t pocket the salary directly. But an investigation later found that the U.S. government spent tens of millions at Trump properties, including charging the Secret Service up to $650 per night at Trump hotels to protect him at places he owned.

This means taxpayers paid Trump to protect Trump… from people mad about Trump.

As one watchdog put it: “It’s like refusing your paycheck but getting reimbursed $400,000 a day for minibar snacks and scented golf carts.”

“Being president cost me $10 billion, maybe more!”

In one of his more mathematically creative moments, Trump claimed:

“I probably lost $10 billion by being president. Could’ve made a fortune, but I did it for you. I sacrificed. It was like being nailed to a golden cross.”

Fact-checkers immediately noted that this would require Trump to have $10 billion in liquid assets, which—according to multiple court filings, forensic accountants, and reality—he most definitely did not.

In fact, post-presidency analysis shows Trump leveraged his presidency into profit, including:

  • Merchandising his mugshot, raising millions off the same justice system he called corrupt.

  • And of course, charging donors’ credit cards so aggressively, several had to sue just to stop the endless stream of “Emergency Trump Fund” withdrawals every time someone sneezed in the general direction of his legal team.

Reporter’s Summary: “So... that was all a lie?”

Yes.

As one political analyst put it:

“Donald Trump’s financial martyrdom story was the greatest unpaid internship never to happen.”

Closing Statement from Trump

When asked about the discrepancy between his promises and reality, Trump replied via Truth Social:

“Fake News. I DID lose $10 billion. Spiritually. Emotionally. And if you think about the money I could have made with Trump Space Hotels and MAGA Airlines? I basically gave up the moon. You’re welcome, America.”

He then added:

“Also, I’m currently raising $500 million to stop Joe Biden from turning Mount Rushmore into a wind farm. Donate now. Double Patriot Points if you act before midnight.”

America, check your wallets. Again.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Climate Change—Now Causing Bullets to Fly

Twitter (or X , if you’re into midlife crises for social media platforms) has finally cracked the case of America’s mass shooting epidemic. Forget guns, forget mental health, forget decades of policy gridlock. The true culprit? Thermometers. According to one very serious thread with 28,000 likes and three graphs made in Microsoft Paint, the number of mass shootings rises with the temperature. “As the Earth gets hotter,” the poster explained, “so does the barrel of an AR-15. And when that barrel heats up, freedom just starts firing itself.” The theory is elegant in its simplicity: Cold weather = mittens. Hard to reload in mittens. Hot weather = sweaty rage. Nothing says “Second Amendment rights” like a 102-degree heat index. Global warming = global shooting. It’s science. Commenters were quick to add supporting evidence: “I wore a hoodie in December and didn’t feel like shooting anyone. Coincidence? I think not.” “Ever notice school shootings dip during winter break? C...
Post a Comment
Read more

PRESIDENT TRUMP ISSUES DECREE: "IF IT MAKES ME LOOK BAD, IT'S DEMOCRATICALLY MANIPULATED BULLSHIT"

Washington, D.C. — In a bold display of leadership reminiscent of only the finest banana republics, President Donald J. Trump today issued a sweeping presidential decree officially outlawing all statistics, reports, charts, tweets, TikToks, frowns, and bad vibes that fail to glorify his presidency. The decree, titled “The Truth and Nothing But the Trump” , follows the abrupt firing of the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) Director after last Friday’s jobs report showed a slight uptick in unemployment—a number that "smelled like Soros," according to Trump. “Folks, I looked at that report, and it just screamed ‘deep state’” Trump told reporters from the golf cart he now uses as his official motorcade. “That kind of anti-Trump math has no place in America. We’re deporting it.” When asked if he meant deporting people or just numbers , White House Press Secretary Tucker Carlson (now holding dual roles as Press Secretary and National Archivist) clarified: “Any operative—statisti...
Post a Comment
Read more

MAGA Ostriches: Trump’s Flock Perfect the Art of Sand-Diving

  In the latest zoological discovery, scientists have confirmed that MAGA supporters and their leader Donald J. Trump share a striking similarity with ostriches: whenever confronted with uncomfortable facts, they immediately bury their heads in the sand. The key difference, experts note, is that ostriches eventually come up for air, while MAGA voters are still waiting for Hillary’s emails to be released by WikiLeaks. At a rally in Florida, Trump proudly declared, “Ostriches are very smart, very strong birds. People don’t know this, but they’re saying ‘Sir, you’re just like an ostrich, you see fake news and you bury, bury, bury.’ And I do it better than anyone. Tremendous bird, really classy.” The Ostrich Strategy When confronted with reports that contradict their worldview—such as unemployment numbers, climate science, or Trump’s golf scores—MAGA ostriches engage in a synchronized head-burying maneuver. Within seconds, they retreat underground, emerging only when Newsmax or OAN con...
Post a Comment
Read more